Chaotically Organized

Breakup

November 2022

I had forgotten how much I hate this part.

Where all your different emotions come at you in waves and it feels like it's a never ending cycle that you are going to end up drowning in.

There's the absolute rage.

Where you want to take back rolling over for them, accepting all the blame and to scream at them for it. Inform them of how was it ever going to be possible for you to be back to normal when they haven't been normal in specific ways in months. How were you supposed to keep such a deep connection when their lifestyle ended up with you having weeks of not much communication. Ask them why everything seemed to be a challenge, where you couldn't say a word without them questioning it or ranting at you for it. Where every sentence seemed to be nice and then ended with something that basically told you to accept what they want/are or to fuck off.

There's the absolute regret.

Where you spend moments feeling like you made the biggest mistake possible ever allowing another person into your life. Hadn't you learned the last time? Now everything that reminds you of them, you just end up regretting ever including them with those things. Your love for something disappearing because now they are attached to that, even when they are no longer around. Wishing you hadn't said all the things you did, perhaps not opening up as much as you had, or even being delusional enough to wish you had convinced them to continue with you. Thinking had you known this was how it was going to go, that maybe you would have held them a little bit tighter and a little bit longer before they left.

There's the absolute agony.

Where you want to run to them, grab their sleeve with tears running down your face and ask them why do they have to leave? The sadness of knowing all the plans in your head are no longer going to happen, just like the memories of the past that you cherish so much, no longer matter. Where the little written gifts you were going to give are now shredded up in your hands as you despise the words written on the paper. The cute house plans, the little wedding you planned in your head, now tainted and idiotic. Reminding yourself that you now have to rewire your thinking to being utterly alone again, because that's what you are, alone.

There's the absolute disconnection.

Where you just feel completely numb and like this was something you had expected all along, which perhaps you did. It's the feeling of the way you shrug your shoulders when someone asks what happened and if you're doing okay. The, "I don't really care anymore." attitude that claims all of your being. The empty laughter at things that aren't even funny and convincing yourself that this was what you wanted the entire time. Somehow tricking yourself into thinking that they meant nothing to you, despite the fact of being in your life for quite a few months.

I had forgotten how exhausting it is to drag yourself out of the pit you appear to dig after a breakup...