Chaotically Organized

I Can Still Remember

March 2022

I can still remember you know.
The way my hands trembled as I repeatedly tapped the call button on your contact.
The waves of nausea as I waited and debated if you would answer.
I remember the fleeting moment of wondering if I could just not bring it up, to act like nothing happened.
The moment you answered, that fleeting thought flew away and out of my lips tumbled,
"Why would you do this to me?"

I can still remember you know.
The way you sighed heavily into the phone and told me you hadn't done anything.
The way my lips quivered as I told you that I knew everything, there was no point in lying anymore.
The way we argued until I finally broken down to whatever little bit of humanity you had left in you.
"Yes, I did, and I'm sorry."

I can still remember you know.
The way it felt like the floor had given away beneath me as I fell to my knees in my bedroom, clutching my phone in my hand.
I can hear the sobs radiating in my ears as I squeezed my eyes shut as hard as I could, as if shutting it out would make it all go away.

I can still remember you know.
The way my cries wouldn't stop and I couldn't find the strength to hang up.
The sighs and blankness of your tone,
"Don't cry Karlee".
The whimpers of "why's" escaping my mouth whenever I had a chance to breathe.
Knowing that no matter your answer, my world would still be broken.

I can still remember you know.