Sudden decisions

13 - Confrontation

Can

During the whole plane journey, instead of thinking about the right words to use to tell Polen that our story is over, all I did was think about Sanem.

Damn me! I must admit that from the very first time I met her, I was impressed. I was touched by her adorable expression when she realised that I had overheard her talking about me to Cey Cey and Guliz. I wasn't indifferent to her deep hazel eyes and full lips, I have to be honest, so much so that the stern expression with which I had confronted her was immediately softened by her funny expression of dismay.

She seemed immediately adorable in everything she did: awkward, clumsy, always with her head in the clouds bumping into everything and everyone, enthusiastic about everything and at the same time so pure and true.

Discovering her in the living room of my house, taking her in my arms and recognising her by her scent as the mysterious woman from the theatre was like closing a circle. I finally understood why she was so special to me from the very first moment.

I landed in London on a night of torrential rain, Polen offered to pick me up at the airport, but I declined, preferring to take a taxi to the centre. I knew I would be embarrassed by the car journey, aware of the reason for my sudden visit.

She had proposed meeting me at her house, but I wanted to meet her at a restaurant where we had been several times in the past, much better that this meeting be held in neutral territory.

I arrive at my destination and, trying to shield myself with my jacket from the incessant rain, I run to the entrance of the restaurant where a waiter guides me across the room to our table. Polen is already sitting there, stiff, a very serious expression on her face. I approach surprised, not understanding the reason for her attitude.
"Hello Polen."
She doesn't get up to greet me as she usually would, but just gives me an icy look as I sit down opposite her.

The waiter who takes the orders postpones for a few minutes a confrontation that is beginning to look quite complicated. We order in a tense atmosphere and as soon as the man walks away I decide to immediately put my mind at rest by tackling head on the issue I came all the way to London for.

"Polen, I need to talk to you."

Her expression growing darker, she replies in a sharp tone.
"I understood that you needed to talk to me, but today a phone call from Huma also made it clear to me "what" you wanted to talk to me about, or rather say "who"?

I feel a blind rage rising.
"My mother? What did she tell you?"

She laughs a scornful laugh I've never heard from her before. "Apparently I'm the last to be informed that you're going to propose to a certain little neighbourhood girl next Thursday. I feel like I don't know you anymore Can, how can you think of mixing with certain people?".

Her way of speaking irritates me. "Apart from the fact that I don't think my mother has any right to meddle in my life in any way, at this point I feel like I never really knew you Polen. From the way you speak it sounds like the problem is not so much that what should be your boyfriend is about to propose to someone else, but that this other person is not from the right social background in your eyes."

I'm shocked at her way of thinking, I didn't think she was so snobbish, however I realise I owe her an explanation.

"Look, our story couldn't go on like this, it was clear to both of us I think. We're old enough to start wanting something other than a relationship where we meet at most three times a year."

Her expression suddenly seems to soften, she reaches across the table to take mine.
"But Can, if that is the problem for you I am willing to go back to Turkey at any time. I can make contact to lean on the research labs in Ankara and from there join you in Istanbul to be together over the weekend."

I shake my head, she doesn't seem to want to understand. "Polen, if we both really wanted to do that we would have done it long ago, don't you think? Our story has simply run out of steam. We know each other like no one else in this life, we have always confided in each other, we love each other, but this is friendship Polen, not love."

She withdraws her hand from mine in annoyance and sits back down on the seat. "And instead you found love with that little girl?".

Once again I struggle to hide the irritation I feel at the haughty way she refers to Sanem, I really feel like I'm hearing Huma speak.

"I haven't come here to talk to you about my feelings for Sanem, I've come to clarify our relationship..."

When the waiter arrives with our orders I am forced to interrupt, when he moves away I am about to resume the conversation when she speaks.

"Listen Can, I think that what you are experiencing with this girl is just a whim. Our relationship has always been one of complete freedom. You know what I say? Go, have fun, get your own entertainment, I can understand that it can happen when you're away from each other for a long time, but what you and I have for years is something special. It can't be questioned for the lurch of the moment for a woman who probably offered herself to you dazzled by your money and social standing."

I look at her dumbfounded, I can't believe what she's saying, I wonder who the woman is that I've known since high school and thought was completely different.

"Polen, are you serious?"

She smiles and leans over to take my hand across the table again.
"Of course Can, you're too important to me to throw it all away because of a fling."

I lean against the back of the chair taking my hand from his, wipe my mouth with the napkin and place it on the table trying to master my irritation before speaking.

"Polen, do you realise what you're saying? Do you know that on Thursday I am going to officially ask for the hand of another woman and all you have to say is that I should have some fun and then come back to you? Do you remember what "asking for your hand" means in Turkey?

He gestures in the air as if to minimise. "Come on, I can't believe you actually intend to do something like that, Huma must have gone out of her way to scare me."

I shake my head in growing disbelief that this is really happening, this conversation is taking a turn I never expected.

"Polen, my mother, who I assume has been informed by Emre as only to him I have confided my plans so far, has told you the truth. I have already made arrangements with Sanem's parents, I have given my word that on Thursday evening I will ring at their door, as tradition dictates, to ask for the hand of their youngest daughter. This is not something to be taken lightly, I have made a serious commitment that I have every intention of keeping.

She looks at me in silence for an interminable time, her inspection makes me uncomfortable, she knows me very well and in fact shortly afterwards I hear her ask with an inquisitorial attitude.
"It is not like you Can to make such a sudden decision. Why would you decide to marry a girl you have known for a few weeks at most? What happened? Have you compromised her in any way?"

I shift in my chair uncomfortably.
"Why I decided to marry her is not something I am going to discuss with you Polen, I am here to clarify our relationship, to tell you that you are and will remain a dear friend to me, but nothing more."

She sighs as she continues to look at me suspiciously. "This story doesn't convince me Can. There's something you don't want to tell me, I can feel it."

I have no intention of sharing with Polen the reality of my engagement with Sanem, right now I'm struggling myself to fully realise what has happened and the meaning of the commitment I've made for the future.

I change the subject by asking her about mutual friends, we continue to eat in a strange, tense atmosphere, but it was to be expected that it would be no picnic to tell her that our relationship is over.

Later, on leaving the restaurant, I face her to say goodbye before stopping a taxi to take me to the hotel and she takes me unawares by wrapping her arms around my neck and then kissing me passionately. I didn't expect it, I remain motionless, helpless, not returning her kiss and she can't help but notice, yet she pulls away from me still holding me and whispers in my ear. "Come to me Can, for old time's sake come to me tonight."