Sudden decisions

33 - To seek and find oneself only to lose oneself?

Sanem

His actions have displaced me. I had arrived at the agency this morning ready to give battle to make him understand that he must learn to respect me and that he cannot decide for both of us in every situation. I began to fear the worst for the day when I saw Huma and Polen arrive with their usual arrogant manner. They were smiling in satisfaction at the surprise move of the previous evening and gave me triumphant looks for having succeeded in making trouble between Can and me. I had no desire to stand by and watch Polen strut around my fiancé again as she had done in front of the photographers at the party the night before. I was about to leave when what Can did left me speechless. He had already arranged everything to get rid of Polen as soon as possible and I almost couldn't believe the sharp words he used to make her understand that their relationship had ended for good with the photo shoot and that it was time for her to go back to London. I liked this new Can, assertive and strong-willed, who has finally brought clarity to his relationship with the woman who still won't resign herself to having lost him while it was a surprise to discover that Can has been living in the shed all along and not in the same house with his ex as Emre has slyly tried to make me believe. Here is a new reason to be wary of everything that man says or does.

'We need to talk, learn to talk'. I like to think that with those words Can wanted to tell me that he understood that not only do we need to talk, but more importantly that he has to let me have the chance to do so too, there has to be dialogue between us not just monologues from him. I briefly felt a sense of relief after so many days of overwhelming anguish in the face of a situation that seemed to me dead-end, but his next words brought everything back to the same situation. "After the damage the 'spy' managed to do to the agency we badly need the contract with Fabri" His words plunged me back into an abyss of anxiety about what I had done and I spent the whole time together as we edited the photos almost in silence, thinking and mulling over what was right to do.

"I'll drive you home so you have more time to get ready for the evening." His proposal as we walked up the stairs of the agency at the end of the day caught me off guard. I wanted to decline the offer, to take some time alone to think, but an unknown eagerness to be with him took over and I accepted without even giving myself time to think.

In his smile, in the light chit-chat we shared in the car I read his eagerness to give our relationship a new lease of life, which he is apparently intent on making work. Once we arrived at my house he turned off the off-roader's engine, turned to me and surprised me by stroking my cheek softly. "I don't feel like spending the evening with Fabri, but I'll get through it if you're next to me." He looked at me with a new gentleness that he had never before let out while in his touch and gaze I felt something different to which I am afraid to give a definition. For a moment I thought he meant to kiss me, I wished he would, but the street was full of people casting curious glances at us and he must have thought it best to avoid it. He left me with a smile and a 'See you later princess' said in a rough voice that made my legs shake for a long time.

I prepared myself as if in a trance, only able to think about what happened during the day and what will happen a few weeks from now. It's as if our relationship has reached a new level, something is changing and Can seems really intent on making things work between us. What about me? What am I going to do? I shake my head as I spray my perfume, 'that' perfume on my wrists and neck thinking about him. I don't want to think about it for now, I just want to enjoy the evening with him.

When I hear ringing I go down the stairs and open the door full of anticipation, my heart racing and my palms sweating with excitement. What is it that makes me feel so excited just at the idea of seeing him again? There before me once again is that seductive smile and his outstretched hand inviting me to follow him towards his off-road vehicle, I shake it and follow him with the feeling of living a dream from which I no longer want to awaken. During the journey romantic music, a silent dialogue of furtive glances at each other without wanting to admit that  we are unable to keep our eyes off each other.