Sudden decisions

28 - Between dream and reality

Sanem

"It's me, it's always been me..."

As he whispers these words his warm breath caresses the sensitive skin under my ear. Shivers of an acerbic arousal run throughout my body that is lost, completely new to these sensations.
Hands barely grazing my arms pull away to look me straight in the eyes with an intent expression.
"Why were you looking for me Sanem? Why were you looking for the albatross? What did you want to tell me? "
I look at him bewildered. How can I answer his question? How can I tell him that that kiss for me was the first one and that he was able to take possession of my every thought from the first moment?
I shake my head without being able to say anything, it is impossible to formulate a meaningful thought when I still cannot believe that he, Can Divit, is the albatross.
My albatross.
I feel his hands begin to move slowly in a gentle caress from my arms to my shoulders, his light fingers caress my neck and then entwine themselves with my hair at the back of my neck. His thumbs graze my cheeks and then slowly move to caress my lower lip where his gaze stops for interminable moments.
His eyes then seek mine, capture them and hold them in a spell that I have come to know, the one that only he is capable of making me feel.
I see him bow his head as slowly his face and lips come closer and closer.
I can't help but close my eyes, just as I did a few nights before at the front door, when he disappointed my every expectation by whispering in my ear that it wasn't time yet and then pulling back.
I hold my breath unable even to breathe for the impelling desire to feel his touch and this time it happens, his lips are on mine and in a flash I understand what he meant.
This is the moment. The right moment to recreate the magic of that unconscious kiss in the dark of a theatre.
Now that I know who he is and that the man who held me in his arms is the man who was able to shake my world of dreams by introducing me to the first tremors, the first palpitations of the heart, now everything is perfect.
I recognise his taste, the smell of his skin that is not an eau de toilett but is him in the truest, most masculine sense of the word. The beard tickling my face, his hands moving slowly on my hips. He does not force me, it is I who instinctively, in my inexperience, seem to know what is right by half-closing my lips ready to receive him. I sigh at his invasion when the kiss deepens and it is no longer a brushing of lips, but an exchange, a savouring to get to know each other fully. I feel him hold me tighter and tighter in an almost desperate embrace, as if he does not feel me close enough as our bodies feel and recognise each other as a perfect fit. Hollows, projections, roundness that fit and match naturally.

This moment seems to be made to never end, a dream in which I cannot tell how long we remain, held close to each other, lost in a kiss that is knowing and recognising, exploration and discovery.

It is Can who puts an end to the time outside time that has captured us completely. He pulls away from me, continuing to hold me in his arms as he laces his gaze with mine at length. Finally it is he who breaks the silence by whispering again the question I had not answered.

"Why were you looking for the albatross Sanem? What did you want to tell me?"

I shake my head, I don't know what to answer, I don't know how to tell him that this mysterious man has taken so much of my heart that without him I felt incomplete.

He also shakes his head at my stubborn silence.
"Aren't you going to answer? Then I'll tell you something, I too have been searching for the mysterious woman from whom I stole a kiss. I have thought of her incessantly since that night at the theatre, I could not get her out of my mind, neither her nor that wonderful scent of wild flowers. I looked for her in every woman I met and I couldn't believe it when I found myself holding you in my arms, right in the middle of the living room of my house, finding myself inhaling that same unmistakable scent. You cannot believe it is me now any more than I could believe it was you, and yet it is so. What could it have been but fate that brought us together again?"

I still shake my head, it all seems so surreal, his words made my heartbeat go crazy. He thought about me, sought me out and....

"You knew all along? I mean, you've known since one of our first encounters? Why didn't you tell me? "

He shrugs with a sigh. 'You were in my house looking for a precious engagement ring, what could I do? I had to take note that you already belonged to someone else and I had to step back. I could only watch you from a distance, stay in my place until, somehow, once again fate seemed to have brought us back together and not only that, it played with us until it led us to this evening, to our official engagement."

His words bring me back to a reality of lies and subterfuge while the whole truth of what I have done pours out like a boulder on me to the point of making me ashamed of myself. All I can do is stiffen in his arms, trying to pull away from him who prevents me by holding me even tighter to him.

"Can ... let me... you ... can't understand..." I try to wriggle out of his gaze. I feel guilty and afraid that he might see it, I feel bad for what I did.

He leaves me by bringing his hands to his head in a gesture of annoyance as I take a few steps away and then turn to look at the lights of Istanbul on the other side towards the Bosphorus. 'Can't be, can't work.' Even though I now know he is my albatross, how can I think of actually marrying him, of starting a life together, knowing I have so many secrets to keep from him?

I feel his firm grip on my arm as he forces me to turn around clutching me to his chest.

"What is wrong with you? Why are you doing this? You have to forget him. After all, weren't you looking for me even though you were still engaged to Osman? I believe that yours was not true love otherwise he would have come long ago to ask for your hand and you wouldn't have gone to so much trouble to look for 'the albatross'.

He is right, in his eyes my behaviour must seem rather strange, but I must let him think me superficial and inconsistent rather than tell him the truth. I cannot let him know what I plotted behind his back together with his brother.

I whisper softly "It's not easy ...".

I sense his pent-up fury as he holds me even tighter to his chest almost preventing me from breathing. "Yet you will have to my dear, you cannot have already forgotten what happened less than an hour ago at your home. You and I are now bound to each other, that red ribbon that was cut tonight is as if it is still here to unite us and in a fortnight' time we will be for good. Soon we'll be husband and wife Sanem, forget your Osman and get over it'.

He leaves me suddenly and for a moment I stagger in search of a balance that only he seems to be able to give me. I see him walk a few steps away until he reaches a few rocks further on and then stop with his back to me.

"Come on I'll drive you home, I think everything that needed to be said has been said."

With a squeeze in my heart I realise that I have ruined everything, our fragile relationship and the mood of an evening that should have been one of the best of my life, but also of his. I move slowly until I am beside him when he starts walking again without looking at me, without attempting to take my hand as he had done just before bringing me here. I have tears in my eyes from regret, from guilt at the idea of having done everything wrong, right from the start, with this man who turned out to be much more than I could have imagined.