Sudden decisions

39 - Increasingly difficult.

Sanem

"Is it OK with you Sanem if my father and I come to visit your parents tonight?"

I can't make sense of Can's attitude, but all I can do is comply with his demands while waiting to get to the bottom of what he plans to do.

"No problem at all, my parents will be happy to meet you Mr Aziz, we are certainly expecting you tonight for dinner, my mother will be happy to prepare some of her delicacies for you and Can." Aziz puts his hand on mine smiling. "Teşekkür ederim, thank you daughter, but what are all these formalities, now we are family you can call me babam, daddy or Aziz as you prefer my dear".

His words move and appall me at the same time, Can's father seems like a good person and I am sad to think that he is deluding himself about my role in his son's life when I expect at any moment that Can will decide to call it off. I give him a quizzical look, what does he think he is going to do? How long does he plan to keep up this pretense?

We end breakfast in a cheerful mood with Aziz telling us about the places he has visited in the last few weeks during his trip abroad. He greets me with a warm hug as I set off to return to my work while I once again turn an enquiring glance towards Can who continues to play his part of gallant boyfriend without giving any sign of wanting to have a confrontation with me.

I return to my desk and as first thing I call my mother to let her know that I have invited Can and Aziz for dinner and the tone of her voice puzzles me, it is tense, it is the typical voice I have learned to recognise when there is trouble ahead. 'Come home soon please Sanem, your father and I need to talk to you'. I'm puzzled, what was that tone? What do they want to talk about? I spend another day in which I can conclude little, I cannot concentrate because of the anxiety of not knowing what is going to happen in my life, first Can now also my parents.

But it is time for me to start acting, I cannot wait any longer, I have to start facing the problems. At the end of working hours, ready to go home, I look out at Can's office who is in the company of Aziz and Emre. I pluck up courage and flashing the most innocent of smiles I ask: 'Can, darling, could you drive me home? With public transport I risk taking too long and my mother is waiting for me to help her with the preparations for tonight's dinner. Can sneaks me a murderous look as Aziz steps in. "Go, go ahead Can, we'll finish looking at these documents, don't worry. We practically invited ourselves to dinner at Aydin's house and it's the least we can do to repay you, go ahead and accompany your girlfriend son."

Can gives me a crooked look as he moves to retrieve his jacket saying. "Sure honey, let's go." He waves goodbye to his father and Emre with a gesture and then takes my hand to leave the agency together. He smiles and exchanges a few jokes with the employees we meet along the corridor, then remains silent until we are in front of his off-road vehicle in the underground car park.
'Congratulations, very good acting Sanem. Then again, I shouldn't be surprised, I could see to my cost that you are a very good actress." His words infuriate me beyond measure, all the emotional tension built up over the past few days explodes uncontrollably. "Don't you dare Can Divit. It's true, I've done things I'm not proud of, but I did it because I believed YOUR BROTHER'S words. I really thought I was helping him save the agency from an unscrupulous man who wanted to ruin it, think of the irony! I have been trying for days to explain to you how things went, but you have decided you don't want to listen to me. You keep playing the part of the caring boyfriend, what are you getting at? Do you really want to bring your father to meet my parents, carry on with the wedding preparations and then call it off?"

"You just play along with me, for the time being things must continue as they are. Emre must not understand that you confessed your dirty machinations to me so we will have to continue to make the world believe that we are happily in love."

I shake my head incredulously. "And until when? Until the engagement or will we get to the eve of the wedding and then call it off? Listen Can, tonight may be the right opportunity for me to confess to my parents and your father what I have done. That way I would release you from any commitment to me, no one will be able to blame you, I will make it very clear that it is all my responsibility and then each of us can go our own way."

With a lightning move he approaches me and taking me by the arms he draws me against him bringing his face within a few centimetres of mine. "Don't you dare Sanem, you can't do that. You don't know how things are, my father is not well and this is not the time to subject him to emotional stress. I told you we will continue pretending...".

I stiffen against him, trying to wriggle out of his grip. "Until when? Tell me, I want to know."

For a moment the dimness of the car park takes me back to that theatre, that body pressed tight against mine, the same heat, the same scent. It doesn't help me to see Can's gaze come down to point at my lips as my breathing becomes shorter and shorter all I can do is whisper again the question I've been asking myself for days now. "Until when Can?"

He looks away from my lips to stare at me with a firm expression. "Until the wedding if it comes to that."

Pushing my hands hard against his chest I manage to free myself from his grip. "You are crazy, do you really want to go all the way to the wedding?" The face an icy mask reiterates firmly. "Yes, if I see fit we will go as far as marriage and you will have to go along with me for the same reasons I came to ask for your hand plus now you will have to do so for the 200,000 Turkish Lira debt you owe Fikri Harika and for everything you did to ruin my father."

I shake my head incredulously backing away. "You are crazy Can Divit, you are crazy. I'm leaving." I turn around to head for the exit "Where are you going? Was I not supposed to accompany you?" I don't even turn around to look at him. "No thanks, I already owe Divit enough, I don't want to take advantage any further."

I go out into the street and stop the first passing taxi still in disbelief, he can't be serious. He's angry, he's hurt, he surely uttered those words in a wave of anger at being deceived, he can't really think of carrying this charade through to the wedding. Now I have to calm down too, I can't get home in this state. Tonight I'll try to talk to him again, we have to find a solution to this surreal situation together, there must be a way even if at the moment I feel like I've taken a dead end.

Arriving home I get out of the taxi trying to compose myself so as not to let my anguish show, my mother is a real bloodhound and if she realises something is wrong she won't give up until she gets a full confession.

I enter the house and as I take off my shoes to put on my slippers I hear my father calling me from the kitchen. I join them and as soon as I walk through the door I realise that something has happened, they have a serious expression that I have never seen on their faces, perhaps only on the fateful morning when they saw me coming home at dawn in the company of a stranger.

I look at them questioningly. "What's going on?" It is my father who speaks in an icy tone he has never used with me before. "Sanem, we heard from Halil that our debts have been settled, by you. Where did you get all that money?"

There, as if the worries of these days were not enough, now the subject of debts also came up. I had begged Halil not to say anything to my parents until I had found a way to explain to them how I had come up with such a large sum. I shifted my gaze from one to the other trying to find a plausible answer, but I soon realised I had no way out.

"I was going to tell you about it soon, with all that has happened in the last few days I couldn't do it. There, yes, I paid off the debts of the emporium because it was right for me to help you'. My parents continue to look at me seriously and it is my mother who now questions me in a dry tone. "We understood that Sanem, what we want to know is where you got all that money."

I sigh accepting that fate has decided for me once again, evidently this is how it was meant to be and I have no choice but to go along with it.

"Babam,anne, dad, mum to settle our debts I have decided to sell the family recipe, the one Grandma Yağmu gave me, the recipe for making fragrant oils from wild flowers."