Sudden decisions

61 -Wife and husband

Sanem

I slowly open my eyes after registering noises around me that are not at all familiar, what I see as I move my gaze from side to side is the aseptic decor of a hospital room. How did I end up here?
The next sensation I register is the warmth of a hand clasping mine. I look down and what I see takes me back in an instant to the last frame I remember before total darkness: Can Divit, at the gate of my new home in Gölcük, asking if we can talk. I instinctively withdraw my hand from his, thus attracting his attention, which was entirely focused on caressing the back of my hand with the thumb of his. After more than a month I find myself meeting the gaze of those brown eyes that have always known how to make my knees tremble, but that time has passed, I cannot allow it now, not any more. I have to be strong, to remind myself that I have to protect myself from him who is now on his way out of my life for good.

"Sanem?"
His voice, Allah how much I missed his voice, at night I happened to dream of that warm and sensual voice telling me "Sanem aşkım, my love", I cannot in any way forget the words and tone he used in those few hours when he pretended that I was really important to him. But that too is part of what I must forget, feelings and dreams that must be set aside forever. I look around confused.
"What happened? What am I doing here? Or rather, what are you doing here?"
I see him lower his gaze for a moment, as if hurt by my words, then raise it again to explain. "You fainted, I barely made it in time to catch you before you fell to the ground. I couldn't bring you back to consciousness in any way so I called the emergency services who brought you here, to the hospital in Gölcük." The moment he finishes speaking a doctor enters the room followed by a nurse.
"Well, you have recovered Mrs Divit, the nurse will now take all your vitals. For tonight you will remain here, connected to an IV which will be responsible for rehydrating you, tomorrow we will explain how to feed you and what drugs to take when the nausea attacks are more violent. You absolutely must not be reduced to this state of malnutrition and dehydration any longer, it could put you and your baby's safety at risk'.
I am so focused on what the doctor is telling me that it takes me a few moments to realise that he is talking about my pregnancy. My gaze darts up to meet Can's. He knows, he knows I am expecting a child, his child. The doctors must have told him and in confirmation I see him nod imperceptibly as if in mute reply to my unexpressed question, yet I cannot decipher his expression which remains impenetrable.
Is he angry?
Disappointed?
I cannot tell as the doctor who keeps talking draws our attention back to himself. "Tomorrow morning we'll discharge you, but I'll make an appointment for next week at our surgeries, I want you to follow my instructions to the letter and come back at least every 15 days here to check on the tamam situation, OK?"
I nod as instead, to my huge surprise, it is Can who replies.
"Don't worry doctor, I will make sure my wife does whatever it takes to be well, you can be sure of that." As he speaks he does not look away from me for a moment, almost daring me to contradict him. Certainly at this moment, in front of the doctor, I cannot say anything, but I will not allow him to come and dispose of me and my life as he pleases, he has no right.
I let the nurse take my blood pressure, temperature and take a blood sample and then say goodbye to her and the doctor and return all my attention to Can.
It is the moment of reckoning, I immediately make it clear what matters most to me.
'I had no intention of hiding it from you, once my work here in Gölcük was over I would return to Istabul and in the divorce papers we would establish your visitation rights. I never intended to deny you your son".

I see him nod calmly as to my enormous surprise I feel his hands take mine to bring it to his lips and place a light kiss on it.

"I know Sanem, not for a moment did I think you could do it, my regret is that because of what happened between us I could not be there for you at this difficult time of your pregnancy".

I shrug my shoulders minimising. "It's OK, you couldn't have changed the state of things anyway, apparently this kind of disturbance is normal in the first few months." As just before I feel her thumb gently caressing the back of my hand, it's too pleasant a sensation and that's exactly why I try to retract it, but her tightening grip prevents me from doing so as he gives me a look I could call heartfelt. "You're not well now, you need to rest, promise me though that we can talk tomorrow?"