Sudden decisions

65 - If only

Sanem

I descend the spiral staircase with the echo of his heartfelt words still in my ears.

"Wait, don't leave, please."

So many things were said this evening, the time had come, everything that had not been addressed weighed on us like a boulder. The Can that joined me here in Gölcük is very different from the one I met and left behind in Istanbul, so much so that I can only wonder which one is the real one.

I reach my room and for the first time since he has been here, I lock the door not before moving the suitcase with his things into the living room. I know it may sound childish, but right now I need to be alone, going over word for word what we said to each other tonight to try to understand how everything he told me makes me feel. He didn't betray me, he's sorry for leaving me alone, for not listening to me, for coming to hasty conclusions.

It is a lot to process and I don't know if I have the strength to do so at this precise moment, I change and slip under the sheets, turning off the light. In the darkness of the night my thoughts linger for a long time on the sentence that struck me most of all: "I want you to know that our son was conceived on the most incredible night of my life, in which I truly lost myself in you and in what was happening between us, of this you must never doubt please".

Somehow these words go some way to soothe a deep pain. That of a disappointed girl, who gave her body to her husband for the first time following her instinct, convinced that what she feels for him is unique, that there can be no one else, only to discover in him only revenge intentions. It was not nice to think that her son was anything other than the fruit of that revenge.

At a certain point I hear a light knock on the door and the handle lowered, I do not answer and shortly afterwards I hear the echo of his footsteps walking away down the corridor. In the darkness my gaze settles on the armchair in the living room on which he has been sleeping since he has been here, I have tried several times to suggest he move to the sofa, but he has always cut all talk saying he wants to be close by in case I need him during the night.

It's strange this new Can, he's sweet, helpful, understanding, in a word he's really irresistible in my eyes and that's not something I can afford. I was deeply impressed by the sensitivity with which he handled the call with my mother, I did not expect him to lie to protect me, to help me not to have an issue with my parents.

How to reconcile this caring and understanding man with the man who purposely wanted to hurt me with every word?

I struggle to sleep, I stay hours tossing and turning in bed until it is only at the crack of dawn that I manage to fall asleep, just before the alarm clock goes off and brings me back to the reality of my confused thoughts. I get ready to go then, with circumspection, I leave the room realising that everything is silent and for a moment I think he is gone. Why does the idea suddenly make me feel as if I lack air? Have I really already become so used to him that I can't do without him?

Just when I am close to admitting to myself that this is the case, the bathroom door opens and Can comes out with a towel around his hips while with another he is dabbing his wet hair. I freeze in the middle of the corridor hoping he won't see me while I can't take my eyes off his chest, his muscular arms as well as his legs barely covered by that tiny piece of cloth.

Allah Allah, what's wrong with me?

It must be the pregnancy hormones that make my thoughts travel roads I wouldn't normally take, or maybe it's just the tingling I feel on my fingertips at the memory of having touched every inch of that body that shakes me so deeply.

He has almost entered the living room when out of the corner of his eye he must have spotted me somehow. He lowers the towel to his shoulders and casts me an enquiring glance. I can't help but blush at my own thoughts.