Sudden decisions

34 - I am the spy

Sanem

'I'm the spy Can, I'm the one who plotted to ruin the agency'.

With a squeeze in my heart I saw him shake his head as if denying it could be possible, his gaze shocked, incredulous. "What? No Sanem, it can't be, I don't believe it."

"Listen Can, you told me we need to talk, learn to talk. Can you for once really listen to me, all the way through? Lutfen, please."

I watch him bring his hands to his face in a gesture of frustration, but sighing he gestures with his hand to invite me to speak. I am relieved; I feared he would push me away without giving me any chance to explain.

I start to tell from the beginning, about my need for money and of Emre's offer. At that name I see him open his eyes wide and shake his head again, I realise that it must not be easy for him to accept his brother's role in all this. He runs his hands through his hair several times as I tell him about the red folder I had to retrieve from his house, the lie of the ring to explain my presence there and the fake boyfriend. He points at me with a stern look and makes a firm gesture to interrupt me. 'Wait a minute sorry, are you telling me that ring wasn't yours? That there was no boyfriend? What about Osman?"

"Osman is my most fraternal friend, there was never anything romantic between us."

He turns his back to me for a few moments, turning to look at the Bosphorus with his arms on his hips, clearly enraged. I remain silent, or look down as I bite my lip in mortification and shame at the lies told. After an interminable time I see him turn back to me.

"OK, go ahead I'm curious to know how many other ways you have fooled me so far."

I mournfully resume telling him about the photos I secretly took of his airline project, which he changed at the last moment, causing my espionage plans to fail irretrievably.

He nods. 'Yes, now that you mention it, I well remember Emre's remonstrances because I had decided to change the campaign theme, now I understand why.' He nods again, growing tense. "OK, go ahead."

I tell him about the assignment I received from Emre to keep him away from Arzu in Agva, in no way was I to allow him to get to her and the signing of the contract. I see him lower his head as he nods again. 'That explains your crazy driving, the improbable shortcut and the impossibility of finding Arzu. It all adds up now."

He's angry, or rather furious, I can tell by his rigid pose and the contracted jaw on that face that becomes irresistible when it breaks into a smile and that now... I shake my head, leaving aside my reverie about smiles I will probably never see again. I resume my confession.

'Then there was the sabotage at the agency during the inspection for the new campaign: the torn presentation, the mouse, all my doing. But I want you to know that I didn't know you, I believed Emre who told me that you were an unscrupulous man, that you wanted to sell the agency and leave the employees unemployed, that's how he convinced me to collaborate with him'.

He gives me a hard, furious look. "To be precise, from what I understand, it was the MONEY he offered you that convinced you to collaborate with him."

"No wait, you don't understand, you don't know me. I am not a venal person."

"You said it right, I don't know you. From what you are telling me I realise I don't know you at all. I think at this point that you are a clever actress who led me to believe that you were a sober, naive, simple girl while I now realise that you were cunning, lying, calculating and that you have been manipulating me ever since I met you."

As the volume of her voice grew, some passers-by began to cast curious glances at us and Can clearly realised this because, in a more measured tone of voice, she asked 'Is that all? Is there anything else you need to confess?'

It is the moment I dread the most, the one where I have to tell him the worst of my deceptions, I know that he might never forgive me.

"Actually, there is also the matter of plagiarism and the suspension of your lincence."

What I read in his gaze at these words makes me tremble, he is furious, I see him open and contract his hands into fists several times as he turns back to the sea.

"Can?"

"That's enough Sanem, I think I have the full picture at this point, don't add any more." He turns around heading at a brisk pace towards the off-road vehicle. "Come, I'll drive you home." I hurry after him "Can, wait, let me explain".

He climbs into the car and starts the car to drive off, screeching at the very moment I close the door so that I find myself sitting uncomfortably on the passenger seat. "Can, will you listen to me?"

He doesn't answer, he accelerates moving from one carriageway to the other in the sparse traffic of the promenade at that time of night. He remains silent, not giving me a glance. "Can you please go slowly, pull over. Allow me to explain."

He remains silent, rigid, gripping the steering wheel tightly with his face reduced to a mask of repressed fury. Before long we are in my neighbourhood and in front of my house. "Good night Sanem." I unbuckle my belt and lean towards him resting a hand on his arm. "Can, please, will you listen to me?" He shakes his arm freeing himself from my touch as he directs me an icy stare. "Now I am unable to listen to you Sanem, I better leave or I might say something very, very unpleasant."

I feel myself dying, exactly what I feared is happening, what has prevented me from speaking until now. I know I deserve his wrath, his contempt, he had told me one day that he hates having things hidden from him and I have done nothing else since I met him. I lower my gaze and silently get out without even saying goodbye to him, I feel it would be inappropriate at a time like this. His off-road vehicle drives off in a screech of tyres to disappear down the road a few moments later while I stand there, motionless, in the middle of the road wondering what will become of me, or rather, what will become of us.