Sudden decisions

36 - Doubts and uncertainties

Sanem

"Please Can, allow me to explain, lutfen, please".
I see the tick on the read confirmation and a moment later his phone is offline. I drop onto the bed, my gaze lost in the void, preparing myself for a long sleepless night. I want to think I was right to confess the truth, I could no longer bear the constant weight of the lie and I am convinced that a relationship based on nothing but lies and machinations could never work. I have to prepare for the worst, Can may very well decide to break off our engagement and never want to hear from me again. What will I do in that case? I'll probably have to go back to the original plan, I never picked up the resignation handed to Emre almost a week ago so by the end of next week I can leave Fikri Harika and leave to join Auntie Bahar in Adali.

I spend a long sleepless night and a Sunday of anxiety and waiting, the agency is closed and all I can do is try and try again to call Can to no avail, his phone is hopelessly switched off. I would like to talk to him, explain, but I have no intention of going to look for him at home with the risk of finding myself in front of Emre. I don't know what happened between them, but at this point I think it is right that he should pay for his misdeeds, I am happy that he has to answer for everything he has plotted against his brother and his own father.

The hours pass slowly, Ayhan has joined me on the promenade and I do nothing but nag her all day with my doubts and the anguish of not knowing what to expect from Can. At some point in the afternoon Osman also came and, as always, his closeness and the lucidity with which he is able to analyse every situation was a great comfort to me. "Sanem, you did the right thing, you couldn't keep silent and, regardless of what will become of your relationship, it is right that you warned Can Divit of his brother's machinations. And then..."

I turned to look at him questioningly "And then?"

He blinked "And then I have to admit I'm glad I'm no longer at risk of being beaten up by your energetic boyfriend." He was able for a moment to make me laugh, in fact even I feel relieved that Can knows that Osman is an important person in my life, but not in the sense I let him believe from the start.

I spend yet another sleepless night and at the crack of dawn prepare to arrive at the agency early in the hope of being able to talk to Can before everyone else arrives. My hopes are soon dashed, slowly the agency comes to life, one by one the employees arrive, Deren, Cey Cey, Gulize and even Emre, but there is no sign of Can, while the tea I had prepared for him as soon as I arrived is now irretrievably cold.

I sit down in my seat but I can't get anything done, I just check the corridor in the hope of seeing him arrive, but it is now mid-morning and there is still no sign of him. I see Guliz walking past me and decide to investigate. "Hi Guliz, listen, Can hasn't arrived yet has he?" She gives me a surprised look. "Don't you talk to your boyfriend Sanem? Can called early this morning, he's going to be out all day today to do some scouting to find the Restmore campaign location."

I lower my gaze so Guliz doesn't read my discomfort. "That's right, he told me, I completely forgot, I was trying to call him but he must be somewhere where the phone doesn't pick up."

She gives me a slightly dubious look but thankfully doesn't add anything else and walks away while it's Cey Cey who looks at me curiously. "What's going on Sanem? Why does your expression make me fidget? What happened with Mr Can?"

I shake my head, I don't have the strength to explain to him right now, I'm exhausted from the sleepless nights and anxiety eating at me since Saturday night, this uncertainty is much worse than having to face his wrath. "Nothing happened Cey Cey, don't worry." I try from time to time to call him, but at the end of the day I leave the agency dejected at not being able to talk to him. I manage to sleep a few hours, but in the middle of the night I jolt awake as I am dreaming of Can yelling at me that he wants nothing more to do with me. I can no longer fall asleep, I brood for a long time and finally decide to send him a new message in which I try to explain how I feel and beg him to give me a chance to talk to him.