Sudden decisions

53 -The life I would like

Sanem

"Let's make a pact, from tonight and especially tomorrow let's put aside the past, negative thoughts and misunderstandings. Let's make a truce and imagine living the life we would have wanted for ourselves, the marriage we dreamed of. Are you in, Sanem?"

I turn my face slightly to cast a glance towards him as I wonder if I can really do it: can I pretend that nothing has happened? Can I imagine that ever since he asked for my hand and I found out he was my albatross, everything has been going smoothly and we got married, happy we found each other? No lies, no deception, just two guys who fell in love without knowing anything about each other and who got married because it was what they wanted most. Can I imagine that?

"OK, let's go for a truce."
My response comes naturally, I am tired of being sick and tired of living with guilt and disappointment at how things went and how I was treated. I really want to pretend for a few hours that I am the happy bride of a beautiful man who loves me tenderly and has brought me to live in a house that is a fairy place.
I let myself go imperceptibly against his chest, I want to breathe deeply again, I want to shake off the unbearable weight of anguish that has been weighing on my heart and taking my breath away for weeks.
I close my eyes to the stupendous sight that Can wanted to give me this evening because I only want to enjoy the warmth of his body, the strength of his arms holding me, arms that I felt were perfect for me from the first moment they held me in the darkness of a theatre. The wings of my albatross, of my kötü kral, the evil king, who in the end was not evil but became so because of what I hid from him and the lies I told him.
I simply decide not to think, I just want to go back and breathe the salty air coming in from the Bosporus and live this moment to the full. We stay like this I don't know for how long, but his training works, it seems so easy to get used to his touch again, to the warm breath caressing my cheek, to the beard tingling the skin of my neck, to the hands gently caressing my arms to keep me warm and safe. I could get used to a life made up of these little things, I know I can't let it happen, but I also know that this is exactly what I want.

It's only much later that I turn to him, who softly caresses my cheek in that way that knows how to make my heart beat a crazy rhythm. "Let's go to sleep Can, it's late for you that you have to leave the house early in the morning to go to the agency". He nods and taking my hand leads me up the endless staircase that sees us arrive at the top with our breath short and the smile of someone who has just been to heaven. When we get back into the house she accompanies me to the door of the bedroom I have chosen for myself. "I'll be leaving very early in the morning but I'll try to be back as soon as I can to help you get ready for the evening okay?" I nod unable to speak, it all seems so strange to me as strange and unexpected comes the light touch of his lips on mine. "Iyi geceler aşkım , goodnight my love." Allah Allah it's fine to practice being close, but that kiss and those words know how to make my sleepless night busy living and reliving the touch of his lips and the strength of his arms holding me close.

I hear him leave the house that the sun has not yet risen and only then do I get up too, I have so many things to do to be ready for the evening. I go out to buy some snacks and then return home to make it as 'real' a home as possible. I leave my belongings and Can's around, but most of all I gather my courage and move all my things into the master room, a room that I feel is imbued with his masculine scent and personality.
It is so strange to arrange my things in the wardrobe and drawers next to his, my toiletries next to his in the cupboard, my little pink bathrobe hanging outside the shower next to his big blue bathrobe. It's all so strange, but at the same time exciting, if things had gone differently this would really be our life I think as I wait in the evening for her to come home with a whole new expectation.
Everything is ready, I have taken care of every detail, I hope it works, it has to work.
When I hear the key turn in the door my heart loses a beat, I am in the living room finishing setting the table and I turn to him with a hesitant smile. I see him freeze in place looking at me with eyes that... I can't define what the intense gaze he lays on me expresses.
"You are beautiful Sanem."