Sudden decisions

42 - Destiny

Can

"You can't do that Sanem".

I can't explain why either, but in spite of everything she has done to me, the idea that from tomorrow she is intent on not coming to the agency anymore disturbs me more than I am willing to admit.

"Like I can't do that, I will, and like Can Divit."

I continue to hold her by the arm and I can't stop myself from inhaling that scent of hers that has meant so much to me, just as I can't avoid looking at her face flushed with anger which, despite myself, I continue to find beautiful.

"You can't Sanem, you are the one who started it and now in this game we are together to the end. You cannot leave the agency and, above all, it is necessary for us to continue our engagement."

She shakes her head. "How can you think we can get married when you hardly tolerate my presence Can? What bond would be ours? Do you want us to pretend to be a couple in the eyes of the world and then each live our lives in secret with someone else?"

The idea that she could even think of being my wife and then give herself to another man makes my blood boil in my veins. I grab her by the arms and pull her tightly to my chest as I almost hiss at her lips. "Don't even think about it Sanem, we will be husband and wife in ALL senses."

Her eyes look even bigger and brighter as she stares at me absorbing the meaning of my words. "How then to say such a thing, how can you think of approaching me when you actually despise me?"

"You are right, there is no trust between us anymore, but at least we have this Sanem..." I do what in truth I would like to do every time she is near me: I kiss her. I kiss her impetuously, furious at the idea that she might even think of sharing this with someone else. I gave her her first kiss and with me she will experience any aspect of married life, that's for sure. I feel her lips part surrender under my assault as her body lets go against mine. I run my hands through her hair as I deepen that kiss in which there is passion and regret for what could have been and never will be.

At the thought of what she has plotted against me I pull away from her with shortness of breath. "I know I cannot trust you, but at least we have this Sanem, we cannot deny it. Despite everything I want you and you want me, if nothing else our marriage can be based on that and that is no small thing."

She shakes her head as she furiously pushes me away by pressing her hands against my chest. "No Can, you can't base a marriage on that alone."

Silently she looks at me for a long time and then whispers, "That can't be enough for me." She turns her back on me and leaves, leaving me there, on that same promenade where a few nights before she had accused me of deciding everything without giving her a say. But that was before, before I found out what she had done and how false her behaviour with me was, everything is different now.

It's late, there's no point in going back to the agency, at this point I'd rather go to the gym to relieve the tension that this whole thing has been causing me for days. I work out to the point of exhaustion in the hope of exhausting my body, stop my mind from brooding, and maybe manage to get a few hours sleep tonight. The thought of her, however, is constant, never leaving me, during training as well as on the way home. I enter the living room and find my father greeting me, smiling. "So? How come you disappeared from the agency today? A romantic getaway with Sanem?" I smile back trying to mask my bitterness. "Something like that babam." He studies me in silence, I know well that when he does this it's because he senses that something is bothering me and if I don't want questions I need to escape his minute scrutiny as soon as possible. "I'm going to take a shower daddy and then I'm going out again". My father nods without speaking and I almost flee the living room preparing myself for another lonely evening on the waterfront brooding over the increasingly complicated situation I find myself in.