Sudden decisions

41 - Limit

Sanem

I don't know what to think anymore, this evening seems more and more surreal. The smiles, hugs and congratulations from friends and family, the happiness on my parents' and Aziz's faces, this whole situation only makes me feel even more guilty. All this is a farce and the fault is mine alone, I would like to shout it here, in the middle of the hall, tell everyone that it is not true, that we two are not happily in love, on the contrary. Can has been avoiding me for the whole week, we haven't been alone for a single moment because he clearly doesn't want to listen to my reasons and at the same time wants nothing to do with me.

One morning a few days ago I was taken aback by Aziz who, on arriving at the agency, hugged me, smiling and asking how the dinner the night before with Can had gone. I struggled not a little to fake a smile as I replied that we had had a very good time.
"Of course, you did well to go out, you need to spend some time alone children." I nodded blushing at the thought of what he meant while I couldn't help but wonder who Can had actually gone out with. Was he already seeing someone else? Now Huma's words had only added fuel to the fire. Was Can, even before the wedding, looking elsewhere? He seemed to be adamant with me, closed to any possibility of clarification and, apparently, I don't even deserve a few moments of attention to listen to my reasons for doing certain things.

I can't stop myself from having these thoughts as he holds me tightly in his arms while dancing a slow dance under the benevolent eyes of all our guests. I cannot relax in any way, I can only keep asking myself how he can think of marrying me when it is all over between us before we even start.

This is the question I ask myself as I raise my eyes to him, finding myself, despite myself, enchanted by the perfection of those lips whose softness I can still feel as they rest on mine. Someone must have intercepted my gaze because suddenly a chorus of "Kiss, kiss, kiss!" rises in the room. Can lowers his gaze to me, smiles the most beautiful of smiles, clearly for the benefit of our audience, then whispers softly. "We can't back out Sanem, can we?" In an instant it happens, his lips are on mine, his arms hold me even tighter against his strong chest, our breaths merge and I lose track of anything but him. Everyone around us disappears, there is only us and the magic of his touch, that magic that only he seems to be able to exert on me. For endless moments I forget everything, the betrayal, the lies, Can's anger, everything. There are only our bodies that seem to be made to fit together perfectly, his albatross arms that, tightened around me, are able to make me feel good, finally in the right place. However, the applause and amused shouts of the guests around us manage to penetrate that curtain of oblivion that seems to envelop us every time our bodies and lips meet. We pull away while his beautiful smile is still there to remind me what I have lost.

I live the rest of the evening as if in a dream, I shake hands and return hugs while still smiling graciously as my heart still beats wildly for that kiss and for his closeness.

At the end of the party Can insists on accompanying me and my family home, my parents are in seventh heaven and don't stop for a moment to comment on the perfect success of the party without noticing the tension that has dropped between us. Once in front of the house Can hurries to help me gallantly out of the jeep, places a hasty kiss on my cheek for the benefit of my family and leaves without looking back.

The next morning here I am in the agency, after yet another sleepless night, rethinking what happened the night before and almost unable to think about what awaits me a few days from now.

Miss Deren calls me through the intercom to instruct me to deliver the print proofs of the advertising campaign for a new client across town. I already know that it will take me the rest of the afternoon between going and coming back, but I am heartened to think that at least I won't be here pining for Can who is doing everything possible to avoid me. I grab my things and make my way to the lift, press the ground floor button and an instant before the doors close a hand blocks them. To my enormous annoyance I realise that standing next to me in the small space of the passenger compartment is Emre. I stare straight ahead, ignoring him until I see him press the button that stops the lift with a sudden jolt. I give him a stern look and reach out my hand to press the button again to restart the lift. His hand tightens around my wrist in a firm grip. "Stop, wait a minute, I want to talk to you" I look at him angrily, dividing myself from his grip. "We have nothing to talk about, push that button and let me out of here". He laughs mockingly. "Are you sure there is nothing to say? You are marrying my brother in a few days, but you know very well that it can never work. If he were to find out what you did for you it would be the end and I want to offer you an alternative. Do what I tell you to do and I, in return, will give you enough money to leave Istanbul and live off the rest of your life'.

I am chilled by his words that sound to my ears like the lethal hiss of a rattlesnake. I can't believe that he still hasn't given up, that he really wants to continue making trouble for the sole purpose of ruining the agency and his father.

I want to yell at him that it was already over for me, that what I did already destroyed any chance of building a relationship with his brother, but Can's words come back to my mind: for the time being Emre must not know he has been found out. I find myself swallowing a blind rage that almost takes my breath away, I cannot react but rather have to pretend to prevent him from being suspicious. With a mocking laugh I try to play the role of ruthless woman that he has sewn on me since our first meeting.

"Why should I do anything for you? For the money? By marrying Can, don't you think I have already ensured that I will live off my income for the rest of my life? Thank you, but I have fulfilled my purpose and no longer need to plot with you." Having said this, with my heart in my throat, I reach out a hand to press the button to start the lift again. When the doors open thankfully he lets me go without uttering a word, I hope I was convincing enough, but one thing is certain , I have to warn Can.

I get into the first taxi and call him immediately, the phone rings for a long time without him answering and so it is for the several calls I make in the following hours. Finally I decide to send him a message. "I need to talk to you, your brother is up to something". A few moments later comes his reply. "Where are you?" So he was not unable to answer, he simply did not intend to. I swallow yet another humiliation and send him the address of the client's location, I'd better meet him outside the agency so Emre won't get suspicious.

Arriving at my destination I hand over the drafts of the campaign and return to the front of the building to wait for Can while I rack my brains trying to imagine what Emre might concoct this time to damage the agency. It is not long before Can's truck stops in front of me, I get in and fasten my seatbelt without a word. It has been a long time since we have been alone together, since it was nice to be together, I lock myself in a stubborn silence and wait for him to speak. I am no longer going to beg him to listen to me since he has clearly shown, even by not answering my calls just now, that he has no intention of listening to me.

He does not take the road leading to the agency but I see him take the road leading to the seafront. Ironically he parks not far from my house, exactly in front of the rocks where we kissed the night he came to ask for my hand. I wish I could not remember at this moment how I had felt in the arms of what I had just discovered was my albatross. I see him coming down and all I can do is follow him in silence until he stops to face me. "So? What do you have to tell me?"

I don't like his brusque tone, my nerves are already tried enough from the encounter with the other member of the Divit family and I am fed up. "You didn't answer my calls until you knew the reason was your brother, fine, I'll take note of that. Rest assured, I won't bother you anymore to try to make you understand my role, and especially that of your dear little brother, in what has happened so far. I just want you to know that just now he blocked me in the lift to propose to do something, presumably against you or the agency, for which he would give me a lot of money. It seems he is still intent on sabotaging you, I wanted you to know that. That's all'.

He laughs a mocking laugh. " How come you let the deal slip through your fingers this time? Do you think you can make do with what you already had?" His words are the classic straw that breaks the camel's back, the tension built up over the last few weeks causing me to lose control. The resounding sound of a slap surprises even me, never in my life have I done such a thing, but enough is enough, I am no longer willing to put up with it and to everything there is a limit.

"Don't you dare Can Divit, you judged me, condemned me and executed me without having wanted to hear how things really went. Do you know what I say to you? To hell with you and your brother. This is my last week of work, in three days, as scheduled, my notice period will end and thus my working relationship with Fikri Harika. I have no intention of enduring it any longer, I think I have accrued holiday time so I am leaving as of now, say goodbye to everyone.

I turn to leave with shortness of breath from anger but his grip on my arm stops me.

"You can't do that Sanem."

I challenge him with my gaze. "Like I can't do it, I will do it and like Can Divit."