Sudden decisions

54 -Reality

Can

As I hold her in my arms I can't stop my heart from beating at a crazy pace, I know I'm attracted to her in a crazy way, but really tonight I just want to hold her close to me, nothing more than that.
I was thunderstruck by her beauty when tonight, as I entered the house excited at the idea of seeing her again after a day in which I had done nothing but think about her, I found her in front of me in that wonderful white dress.
Throughout the evening I looked at her and treated her with adoration and realised in a flash of realisation that I had done it, not because it was what needed to be done to carry on our pretence, but because for the first time I had allowed myself to let go and experience my true feelings.

I have no idea when exactly this happened either, but tonight I realised that this woman has become essential to me, I cannot think of walking away from her. I was captivated by her beauty and spontaneity from the very first moment, I was aware of that. I felt attracted to her even before I knew to whom that soft woman's body that I clutched while kissing her in the dark of a theatre belonged. I accepted the situation that arose after our night at the cabin and decided to ask for her hand because somehow I had realised that she made me feel something that I had not experienced with any other woman before. Then, like a thunderbolt, came her confession and I forced myself to put aside all these feelings, letting myself be dominated only by anger and disillusionment, and I was able to give the worst of myself.
Tonight however, almost suddenly, I realised that those emotions are all still there, perhaps even amplified after spending the most incredible night of my life with her, our wedding night which was perfect, if only I had not ruined everything with my stupid words the next morning.

I wasn't lying when I said that when I asked for her hand in marriage I already knew she was the one for me, I wasn't aware of it but deep down I know I chose to marry her because I felt it was the best thing I could do to be happy.
Tonight I lived a dream, the most beautiful of dreams, I had a taste of what my life can be like with her and.... I realised that I cannot and will not give it up. Lies and intrigue be damned, I don't care what she did on Emre's instructions, I want Sanem for real damn me.
She's my wife, she's mine, despite everything she's mine and I don't want that to change, I want her, now and forever.
It only took me a few hours when we could be ourselves, free from tensions and misunderstandings, to come to realise that we are something special together and that, in spite of everything that has happened, she and I in this house can really live a fairytale.
My heart began to suspect it last night, as I held her in the darkness of the hidden terrace, but tonight as I held her next to me, proud to call her my wife, it was confirmed. We can be happy together.

Now we are here, holding each other in the darkness of the night and I just want to turn her to me and kiss her until I am breathless and then tell her everything I feel, that nothing matters but us, together, here, now and forever. I feel breathless with emotion thinking I could do that, but what stops me is what I made her experience, my words the morning after our first night together. Can she ever forgive me for treating her so vilely? Before asking for her forgiveness, I must show her that I have done justice, even for her, for being used by my brother and abused by my mother. Soon, very soon, I will return to her and be able to tell her that they both paid for what they did to us and I will finally be able to ask her forgiveness.

I hold her imperceptibly tighter to me and hear her sigh, I close my eyes to savour the sensation of the warmth of her body, of that perfume that has become essential to me in a way I did not think possible as well as the skin of my woman who is now only on paper but who, if I play my cards right, will soon be truly mine in every sense.

I fall asleep like this, dreaming of us, of what we can be together and I wake up with a feeling of peace that confirms to me that this is what I want. Every morning of my life I want to feel her body against mine, her warm breath on my neck as she sleeps peacefully with her head resting in the crook of my shoulder and her hands on my chest.