Sudden decisions

59 - Who shook your heart

Sanem

Time passes slowly, it has been a little over a month since I have been here in Gölcük, living a life I never expected to live but which at the same time allows me to understand who I am. The naive neighbourhood girl has discovered that she has become a woman who can take care of herself, all by herself in the world outside the neighbourhood.
I really enjoy working in the workshops, it is nice to meet chemists and perfumers to understand the processes behind all those actions that for me were part of an ancestral ritual, traditions that have been handed down from mother to daughter or granddaughter since time immemorial.
I made friends with one of the girls in the workshop, Ayla, who studied hard to realise her dream of becoming a perfumer's assistant and who knows, one day, a perfumer herself. She was born and grew up here in Gölcük and it was the presence of this large company that sparked her passion for the world of cosmetics and perfumery in particular. We went out together a few evenings for drinks and with her I rediscovered some of that camaraderie typical of Istanbul neighbourhoods even though I didn't have the courage to tell her much of my story, it is so absurd and intricate that I don't even want to relive it.

It is precisely with Ayla, however, that I share for the first time what I almost struggle to admit even to myself. One morning, coming out of the lab toilets, I found her leaning against the doorframe of the anteroom with her arms crossed.
She looked at me and smiling sweetly asked.
"How many months old are you?"
At that moment it was impossible to hold back the tears, I don't even know how much of joy and how much of dismay in the face of a situation that, if possible, now seems to me to have become even more paradoxical.
"If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask."
I shook my head reaching for the washbasin to rinse my face, then met her gaze through the mirror and replied.
"No I don't need anything, thanks anyway for the thought. I only just found out, I'm only two months old but the discomfort is already quite a lot, hopefully it won't be like this all the time"
She smiled as she came alongside me to lean against the washbasin next to mine.
"My sister is at the end of her pregnancy and if I can base myself on how it was for her the first three months are the heaviest because of the nausea but then, apart from the progressive heaviness and the acidity of the stomach, the situation improved a lot".
I smiled weakly at her.
'Then I'll just have to put up with it for another month.'
Nodding, she put her arm on my shoulder.
"I don't mean to be pushy, but really, if you ever need anything just ask, okay?"
I could only nod in response, my throat tight with emotion at the sincere concern of a near stranger when, in the situation I find myself in, I can't tell anyone about my condition, not even the people closest to me.

I heard from my mother this month trying to remain vague, pretending to be focused only on my marriage and relationship with my husband.
I called Leyla who also told me a bit about the buzz in the agency about the great success of the campaign for Fabri's cosmetics line.
There was a big presentation event and Leyla, assuming I had also attended to accompany Can, asked me how it had been. I had to lie and say I had stayed very little because I wasn't feeling well and had to leave due to major flu symptoms.
So he made it. Can is slowly achieving all his goals, he has unmasked his brother and is now leading the company towards rebirth, I am happy for him and for Aziz who has invested so much of his life in Fikri Harika.
In turning on the phone I discovered messages from Can, so many messages. I didn't want to read them, we have nothing to say to each other, I don't think we need to anymore. The situation is clear, at least for me.
I know I cannot hide the baby from him, in the divorce we will establish how he can meet him, or meet her, once he is born, there is no other alternative even if I would have preferred to cut all ties with him and never have to meet him again. Now instead this creature will somehow bind us forever and I will have to learn to live a life as a single mother, alone, far from my family because they will never understand my decision to separate despite a child.
In the confusion that reigns in my life and in my mind, the only safe harbour is the small house where I have gone to live. It is full of light, surrounded by a high wall that isolates it from the outside world, but with a wonderful view of the sea if you only climb the narrow wrought-iron spiral staircase that leads to the large terrace on the roof.