Sudden decisions

73 - In the right way

Gradually the birdsong and the light filtering through the curtains snatch me from the last glimmers of a beautiful dream in which Can and I are playing in the garden with three small children, all very close in age to each other.

I smile as in my sleep I reach out a hand to the other side of the bed, open my eyes wide to find it empty. I sit up looking around confused, it's the first time Can isn't next to me when I wake up since we got together. I hurriedly get off the sofa bed and peek through the curtains to see if he is in the garden. I don't see him, but out of the corner of my eye I spot something on the table next to me: a message.

'Günaydın aşkım, good morning my love. I had urgent errands to run in the city, I will try to return as soon as possible. On the rocking chair in the garden I left something for you, I'm sure you won't be bored in my absence.
Seni çok seviyorum, I love you very much'.

I smile, stand on my tiptoes trying to peek outside to see what it is, but I can't see anything, I put on my dressing gown and slippers and rush outside curious. The sun is already high in the sky, I restart my hair thinking that I have become a real sleepyhead, I have never slept so late in the past.

The sun is already high in the sky, I restart my hair thinking that I have become a real sleepyhead, I have never slept so late in the past. I reach the rocking chair that Can has placed for me under a beautiful flowering magnolia and find a packet with colourful paper, a pretty little pink tin box and a note that I read first:

'Something to sweeten your awakening and 100 poems that are not enough to describe the immense love I feel for you....'

Taking a seat in the rocking chair I place the box on my lap and eagerly tear off the paper curious to find out what it is.
I can't help but smile happily and excitedly.

Aziz Nesin is an author I know, I have read several of his writings, but never this collection of love poems. I place the book on my lap and pick up the tin box delighted to discover that it is kurabiye, my favourite biscuits.
I open the tin and start munching on the first sweet butter and nut biscuit while I retrieve the book and start reading the first poem. That's how I lose myself for hours among beautiful words of love that move me even more when I think back to Can's note '...only 100 poems are not enough to describe the immense love I feel for you....'.

I still find it impossible to believe that it is true, that Can loves me and that there is a future together that awaits us. Sometimes my heart remembers the wounds of the past, it trembles and makes me fear that he's only doing it for the baby, it's stronger than me, I can't shut him up completely, but then I think back to the way his eyes rest on me, how he caresses my hair, almost with adoration, the tenderness with which he holds me tightly in his arms and I can't say why, but I know he's not lying, I've come to trust him.

When I hear the engine of his off-road vehicle I get up quickly and run towards him to throw myself into his arms as soon as he opens the door. 'Hey, erkenci kus take it easy, you can't afford to fall or exert yourself too much'.
I smile as I feel his arms take me in and tighten mine around his neck.
'You're right, I won't do it again, but I was looking forward to being in the most beautiful place in the world again: here, on your chest.'
I feel my heart burst from all the love I feel for my albatross, who in response takes me in his arms, smiling and placing a kiss on my forehead.
'And that is where you will have to stay sevgilim, my love, forever'. With a few strides we have already reached the hut and he puts me back down, laying a chaste kiss on my lips.
'But now go and get ready, I have come to take you out to lunch to a very special place for us, make yourself beautiful.'

It is the first time we have been out since we returned to Istanbul and I am excited about going out together as husband and wife. I get ready quickly and within an hour we are at the waterfront where we stop to eat at a nice place. 

"You see Sanem, this is where I would have liked to take you for lunch that day when we had to wait for Akif's prints, at the beginning of our story.It was not possible then, when everything was confusing, but one of my favourite places in Istanbul and I would like it to become ours now." 

All I can do is thank him, happy that somehow he is trying to build a new way of being together made of small things, moments, spaces, places that slowly become ours. After lunch we take a long walk and then go back to the car where I settle in comfortably and, lulled by the slow pace of the traffic, I fall asleep as I have for months now after lunch. The car pulling up and the sound of the engine stopping bring me back to reality after what seems like an eternity, I slowly open my eyes and what I see seems to make no sense.

We are not at the hut, instead I recognise the parking garage of what will soon really be our home. I immediately recognise the stone walls and the windows facing the main gate, but what I can't explain, still sleepy, is why there are Leyla and Ayhan in evening dress in front of me, smiling excitedly. I straighten up on the seat shaking my head thinking I am dreaming. Can hurries out of the car and comes to open my door, holding out his hand to me. I instinctively grab it getting out of the pick up looking alternately at him and the girls asking confused. 

"Can? What's going on?" 

Without answering my question, to my enormous surprise, I see him lower himself onto one knee, pull out a small velvet box from his pocket and open it revealing Grandma Semiha's beautiful ring, the one that was meant for his future wife and that I had left behind by walking away feeling I didn't deserve it.

"I wish I had done things right from the start Sanem, I wish I had already told you how beautiful and precious you are to me, I wish I had romantically asked you to marry me and not given it as a given imposed by circumstances. Today I would like to rectify my many past mistakes so.... here I am asking you officially. Will you marry me Sanem Aydin? This time not because you HAVE to, but because it's really what you WANT?". 

I shake my head in disbelief, bring my hand to my chest feeling my heart burst from all the love I feel for the wonderful man who is now kneeling in front of me with the most beautiful smile on his face.