Sudden decisions

49 - Glimmers of truth

Sanem

"By marrying Can, don't you think I have already ensured that I will live off my income for the rest of my life? I have achieved my goal'.

My voice and the words being played back from his smartphone give me confirmation of what I had imagined. Emre. I thought he had only told Can what I had told him to make me look bad, but instead he had been so clever as to record our conversation, extrapolating what would make me look like an unscrupulous careerist. Bravo, his perfidy never ceases to amaze me.

I inhale deeply before speaking." OK, I want to ask you this, do you think you could listen to me for a few minutes and give me for the first time a chance to explain? Until now you havenever allowed me to do so".

Since I confessed to him that I was the spy he never wanted to listen to my reasons, he was too angry to give me the opportunity to clarify. Even now he is disappointed and angry, but this time I want to see if he is capable of considering the possibility that there is a plausible explanation for words that seem to condemn me without a chance. He nods, leaning back against the back of the chair as if preparing to listen.

I catch my breath, only now realising that I have been holding it the whole time waiting for his answer, the way he has acted in the past I didn't think he would agree to listen.

"OK, remember when I wanted to meet you at the waterfront to warn you that your brother was up to something against you? I also told you that he had proposed to do something for which he would give me a lot of money, I don't know what, but it was definitely against you or the agency. Well, now I could tell you that to keep YOUR game up I said those words, but I know it wouldn't help. YOU told me that Emre had to go on believing that I had said nothing to you and to do that I had to invent something to justify my refusal to his offer. I could tell you this, but I know it wouldn't help, because you have already judged me and condemned Can, you have decided that I am the worst of liars and last night you took your revenge'.

I inhale deeply to regain control of my emotions when I feel myself almost on the verge of tears. "I can never forgive you for making me feel like a lowlife, dirty, a woman who offered herself for interest, an object that deserved to be used and thrown without any regard." He leans towards me as if to counter, but with a firm gesture of my hand I shush him. "But that's alright, I'll have to come to terms with the fact that I donated my body for the first time to a man who used it as compensation for a wrong suffered. For now I just want to survive these three days here in Venice with you and then, when we are back in Istanbul, we can each go back to our own lives trying to keep contact to a minimum. In the meantime, I hope you will have the evidence to accuse your brother and stop him so that, when things have calmed down and your father has recovered, you can slowly prepare him, telling him that there are problems between us, irremediable misunderstandings that will soon lead us to divorce. Then we can each go our own way."

"I... I couldn't imagine that... the words in that audio left little room for doubt and I..."

I interrupt him decisively. "There's very little to say Can, that's how it was, I don't think things could have ever worked out between us given the mistrust and lack of dialogue. We tried to do the best for everyone, for my parents and for your father, let's give them some time, but when the time comes they will have to accept our divorce, it cannot be otherwise."

A silence full of unexpressed thoughts falls between us, we avoid each other's gaze as our sandwiches are still intact on the coffee table, neither of us has even opened the wrapper. Enough is enough, I've said what I had to.
"Tell you what, I'm not hungry right now, maybe I'll eat it later this afternoon." I put the sandwich in my bag along with the bottle of water I bought and stand up looking around. "I have rested enough , now I would like to resume visiting Venice, there is so much to see. I will see you tonight at the hotel." He hurries to get up and holds me by the arm to stop me, my instinctive reaction is to move away from him fulminating him with my eyes, he must understand that I do not tolerate his touch. He raises his hand in surrender " Ok, sorry, I just wanted to ask, do you mind if I come with you?".