Sudden decisions

62 - A Million Reasons

Can

It won't be easy at all, I know I'm taking advantage of her weakness which is both physical and emotional right now, but I have to think I'm doing it with the best of intentions.
I can't believe that she was so sick that she ended up in hospital.
My wife, who is expecting our baby, was completely alone in a state of total prostration and I was not beside her. I know it is not my fault, but it was my fault that she secretly distanced herself from me and everyone, it is only my fault that she left Istanbul and the time has come for me to rectify my mistakes.

I am trying to get back to her as quickly as possible, I don't want to leave her alone, I don't know how much it is because of concern for her health and how much because it is impossible for me to stay away from her. I feel lucky just to know where she is, that I will soon be able to lay eyes on her again and that I could hold her hand tightly in mine all last night.

I need her, her scent, the warmth of her skin, those eyes that now look at me with suspicion, but which I hope will one day shine again as they did for a few precious moments since we met. Instants in which mine have shone in the same way when looking at her and which have made me realise that there is something unique in what we are together.

I go back to the small house by the sea that I already feel is mine for the mere fact that she is there waiting for me, I leave the shopping bags on the kitchen table and carefully peek through the door of her room trying not to make any noise. She is asleep, her dark hair spread over the white pillow, she appears to me like a vision, an angel fallen to earth that I hope, soon, will also fall into my arms.

I go back to the kitchen to put away the purchases and start preparing something for lunch, it is a beautiful spring day so I hang out on the porch waiting for her to wake up. When she finally reaches me she looks at the table almost uncomfortably. "You didn't have to go to all this trouble, a salad was enough."
"It was no trouble, on the contrary. Precise instructions from the doctor, he said healthy diet so I prepared several things so you can choose what doesn't bother you."
She gives me a look that I cannot decipher as she almost whispers, "I thank you."
She sits down at the table with a manner that does not seem at all relaxed to me, she puts something on her plate but rather than eating she seems to be fiddling listlessly with her food.

"Eat Sanem, you need to feed yourself and regain weight."
She keeps her gaze fixed on her plate.
"I don't really feel like it, the smells bother me and some flavours I used to like now suddenly disgust me."
"Do you want me to make you something in particular? Something you know you can eat without any problems." She shakes her head as she brings some food to her mouth chewing it for a long time forcibly until finally it comes out what the problem is.
"You can't stay here Can, our marriage is over, we have to take note and move on. For the sake of the child we will try to be civil and respectful of each other, but until then it is good that we each go our own way."

I put down my fork and extend a hand to force her to look up at me. "I had come here with the intention of clarifying things between us Sanem, even before I knew we were having a baby. Now more than ever I think we need to talk calmly about everything that happened, we can get over it if only you are willing to give me a chance'.

The saddest look I have ever seen appears in her eyes and it is a blow to the heart to know that I am the cause of it. "I don't think it is possible to get over what was between us, we simply made a mistake in getting married, it was all wrong from the start. We are adults, let's acknowledge our mistake and move on, each on our own."

I remain silent taking the blow, I knew she was going to say that, but I also know that I cannot give up, I promised myself not to.
"Listen Sanem now you are tired and tried, you are not well and I don't want to create further stress for you, there is so much to be said and clarified, but right now the priority is your health. The situation at the moment is this, you are not well and I am not going to leave you alone, you need someone to help you and unless you want to call your mother or sister to do it, you will have to make do with me'.
At the mention of her mother she hastens to shake her head. "No, I don't want to involve my family in this situation, for now they don't need to know anything about either my pregnancy or our separation."