Sudden decisions

12 - Tomorrow

Sanem

"Tomorrow Sanem, tomorrow we'll talk".

I remain motionless among the scattered papers while, having made this promise, his imposing silhouette disappears, hurrying down the stairs of the agency. He is clearly in a hurry to go, a plane is waiting for him, someone he did not want to tell me about is waiting for him.

I feel an emptiness that shouldn't be, a disappointment that has no reason to exist.
I was a fool, Emre bay had warned me about what kind of person Can Divit was and it's only my fault that I wanted to believe he was different from what his brother had portrayed to me.

I bend down to pick up the files that slipped from my hands on impact against that massive chest that felt strangely familiar in a way I can't explain.

When we're close it's as if my body instinctively recognises his and feels it as a somehow similar complement. I don't know where this feeling, which I have only felt once before, comes from. A few days ago, in the darkness of a lodge, when I found myself pressed against an equally powerful body for my first kiss, given by chance to a stranger. A mysterious man who is in my dreams every night, my albatross, who will probably remain unknown forever because I am now losing all hope of finding out who he was.

I stand up, clutching to my chest the last copies of the files Deren had asked me to photocopy. I spent the whole day locked in that little room, but I managed to finish the work in time for the meeting the next day.

I deposit these next to the others in the main meeting room and then take my things to the cloakroom and leave the agency. A quick nod to the night watchman who smiles back as he eats his dinner inside the entrance cage.

I stop the first taxi that passes by and let it take me to the coast. I have no desire to go back home, I know very well that my mother's dirty looks and reproaches and my father's serious glances are waiting for me.
I am aware that I have disappointed them, my reckless behaviour last night has put them in a very difficult position. They love me, but at the same time I know their way of thinking: honour, respectability, integrity are the cornerstones of a life, theirs, made up of rituals and traditions to be respected.
I know well that my father has put pressure on Can, perhaps convinced that things work for him as they do in our world, the world of unwritten rules that, if broken, can destroy the reputation of a girl and her whole family in the eyes of the neighbourhood.

I get out of the taxi and head for my favourite spot, years of experience guiding my confident movements until I get to my rock, the flat, square one that since I was a little girl has welcomed me at times when I needed to be alone, to think or daydream.

I sit down and sigh, looking up at the starry sky.
Tomorrow I'm going to talk to Can and tell him that I'm releasing him from whatever commitments he feels he's made to my dad, I was in shock this morning, but now more than ever I'm aware that the idea of an engagement between us is absurd. We barely know each other, we come from completely different worlds and he has been engaged to someone else for a long time.
During the long hours in front of the photocopier I thought for a long time about a possible solution to the situation I had got myself into.
The time has come to confront my parents as I have never done in the past, I have always respected their wishes, never opposed their decisions, but this time it is different. I cannot allow my future to be decided on the basis of neighbourhood rules and dictates.
I know that I am bringing disgrace on our family in the eyes of the neighbours so I have decided that the best thing for me to do is to leave.
I plan to join Aunty Bahar in Adalia to look for any job there to support myself while I continue writing my novel.
Perhaps my leaving will soon silence the gossip in the neighbourhood and when all is forgotten I can return, perhaps.

Strengthened by this decision, my thoughts, left free to roam, can only go to Can, to the fact that he will have arrived in London by now, to his fiancée and ... I shake my head and stand up suddenly.

Enough Sanem! It's useless to think about him right now.
You have to concentrate on the right steps to take and the first is to resign from the agency tomorrow so that you can leave Istanbul as soon as possible.
As for the loan I received from Mr Emre, I will find a way to repay it, even if I have to work night and day to do it.

So I decide to send him a message right away to tell him that I absolutely have to talk to him in the morning and I want to give him that damn ring back first thing. I'm terrified at the idea of losing it and the knowledge of its presence in the inside pocket of my bag makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'm not capable of living on lies and subterfuge, it's not in my character to lie and I felt like dying every time Can pointed out that I didn't have it on my finger even if, in the end, it will be this phantom boyfriend who will give me the excuse to justify my decision in front of Can .

I pick up the phone and when the display lights up I see the notification of a message received, I open it thinking it's from my sister or Ayhan, but it's a number I don't know.

My heart leaps at the first words and I understand very well who is sending it.

_________________________________

I was very sorry I couldn't talk to you today Sanem.
So many things have happened and it is urgent that we talk about them together.
However, I would like to reassure you about one thing: I will be at your house on Thursday evening, you can be sure of that.

Can

_________________________________

I shake my head in disbelief.

How can he write such a thing while he is with his girlfriend?