Sudden decisions

50 - Between Rage and Truth

Can

I leave my new home, what should be OUR new home, with an overwhelming weight on my heart. As I had imagined Sanem fell in love with it at first sight, I knew she would love the view from here that sweeps from the Golden Horn to the Balat district. At least in choosing the house I did something good for her.
I take a taxi to my father's cottage to pick up my off-roader, which has been there since the wedding. I have an appointment with Metin soon, but I decide to go into the house for a moment and say hello. He is in the garden, sitting in an armchair enjoying the sunshine of this beautiful spring day. "Babam, Dad" He opens his eyes wide, smiling in surprise at my presence.
"Can? You're back already? Weren't you supposed to be gone for a week?"
I lean over to hug him returning his smile.
"Babam, you know we have two important campaigns due, it was not possible to take me more than three days."
He shakes his head, patting me on the shoulder. "My boy, don't make the same mistake I did, don't sacrifice love and family for work because you will regret it in the end. Tell you what, you'll have to make it up to your Sanem, you must definitely take her out of Istanbul for a few days as soon as it's possible, tamam, alright?" I nod bitterly thinking that I have more to make it up to Sanem unfortunately, a too short honeymoon is the least of our problems.
"Sure dad, very soon." I exchange a few more jokes with him and then say goodbye, I'm running late for my appointment. As I walk past Emre's room, I notice that the door is ajar and the sound of water running in the shower can be heard from the bathroom. I cast a distracted glance inside and my attention is caught by my brother's smartphone lying on the bed. I stop in my tracks, I don't like these things but by now it is clear that it is open war between us. I sneak in, paying attention to the noises coming from the bathroom. The phone is locked but I unlock it on the first attempt, I have seen my brother a thousand times tracing the unlocking sequence. First I go to the gallery and immediately find what I'm interested in, I remember exactly the day Sanem called to tell me he had to talk to me, and here's an audio recorded that very day, I start the playback.

"Stop, wait a minute, I want to talk to you".
I recognise Emre's voice and then Sanem's in response.
"We have nothing to talk about, push that button and let me out of here."
"Are you sure there is nothing to say? You are marrying my brother in a few days, but you know very well that it can never work. If he were to find out what you did for you it would be the end so I want to propose an alternative. Do what I tell you to do and I, in return, will give you enough money to leave Istanbul and live off the rest of your life'.
Silence for a few moments then his reply.
"Why should I do anything for you? For the money? By marrying Can, don't you think I have already ensured that I will live off my income for the rest of my life? Thank you, but I have reached my goal and no longer need to plot with you."

Here is the complete picture from which only the sentence that could have been better misunderstood has been extrapolated. The water continues to run in the bathroom, I open his mail account and find several interesting emails which I photograph with my smartphone then go to the Whatsapp conversations and the chat with my mother where, scrolling back, I find the message Emre sent along with the incriminating audio.

"Let Can hear this, you'll see the marriage will blow up as we hope and if it doesn't we'll make their married life a lot more eventful, that's for sure."

A blind rage assails me, I want to rush at this very moment into the next room and punch him, but I can't, not yet at least. It was clear those two were in cahoots, from what Sanem said it must have been Emre who recorded that conversation, but he certainly didn't go out of his way to give it to me. He used Huma, sneakily preferring to remain in the shadows. I switch off the phone's display and put it back on the bed exactly where I picked it up just before and then leave the room and leave my father's house as determined as ever. The private investigator is waiting for me in Metin's office, he has some news for me which I hope will be decisive for the showdown. I don't think I'm able to pretend any longer, after what I've read I realise that my brother has been my worst enemy and I would never have imagined it, if Sanem hadn't been honest enough to confess what Emre had induced her to do.

She could have not, she could have hidden the truth from me until after the wedding or maybe even forever and instead she chose to talk, to be honest with me and only now that I know I am surrounded by devious and calculating people do I realise the inestimable value of honesty.

The audio I heard only confirmed what Sanem had already told me, but I didn't really need it. I believed her immediately, her expression as she recounted what really happened let all the disappointment and extreme bitterness of being unfairly considered a careerist of the worst kind shine through.

"I will never be able to forgive you for making me feel like a lowlife, dirty, a woman who offered herself to you out of self-interest, an object that deserved to be used and thrown away without any regard."

She could have been angry, she could have insulted me, she could have even beaten me, I deserved it, but with these words and the suffering I felt in each of them she did much more, she annihilated me by making me feel horrible. Sanem struck in the pride of a man who always thought he was honest, fair, a man of honour who had given his word and decided to marry a girl, to save her from social ruin, only to humiliate her in the worst way.
That afternoon a few days earlier, sitting along a small canal in the most beautiful city in the world, I realised I had done wrong and ruined everything in the worst way. I treated her badly, I insulted her and after practically forcing her to marry me, I had no regard for her.

I am deeply ashamed of my behaviour and when she set her conditions I realised that I had no choice but to respect them, it is the least I owe her. When she said she wanted a divorce as soon as possible it left me speechless, I had not yet been able to process her motives regarding what I had heard on that damn audio and I suddenly found myself also having to come to terms with the idea that I will soon be a divorced man.

It's not what I want, when I decided to ask her to marry me I had really believed it could work between us, but if it's what she wants, I won't be able to fight it. I am aware that nothing can repay what I have put her through, I have treated her vilely, and to think that she instead, in response, worried that I might sleep uncomfortably on the hotel couch. If that's not goodness of spirit, I don't know what is.

I cross the city lost in my self-pity, since we spoke it is the first time I find myself alone, away from her, coldly analysing every word said and every gesture made on the wedding day and especially the next morning when I treated her in the worst way. My God what have I done? How can she ever forgive me?

I arrive at Metin's office and I have to put aside my guilt because now it is mainly anger that moves me, that message Emre sent to my mother has upset me, my brother not only wants to ruin my father's agency, he is intent on sabotaging my private life too by playing with truth and lies as he sees fit.

I do not leave the office until many hours later when it is very late. It was a fruitful meeting I finally have all the elements to act. I get into the car, realising only now that I have left Sanem alone the whole afternoon, and by now also a good part of the evening, on our first day together in the new house. Damn me, in my eagerness to end things with my brother I have once again acted in such a way as to hurt her.

I stop in the street to buy something for dinner, I am not sure if the woman I hired to prepare the house has also thought about doing the shopping. I exceed the speed limit several times, but it doesn't matter, I wish I could snap my fingers and already be there for her.

I park the car in the garage at the back of the house and hurry to get inside, all the lights are off, I open the French door and go out into the garden to see if by any chance she is outside but there is no sign of her, so I re-enter the house and go to knock on the door of the room she has chosen for herself. "Sanem?" No answer, no light leaks from under the door, I knock again then decide to look out briefly to check if she is asleep. I open the door slowly, the room is plunged in darkness but it doesn't take long to realise that she's not there. She is not in her bed, just as she is not in the house or in the garden.

She is simply gone.