small tw venting
today i went and bought some clothes and candles and took a walk and a shower yesterday i cried so much in someone arms i care about so much meanwhile drunk just all the emotions and feelings mixed together meanwhile they held me close and when i tried pushing them away but they didnt and maybe its good that they didnt they stayed by my side while i cried i felt so empty so betrayed yet again i said its fine ,its not and it wont be in a while and then we just talked while they fixed my makeup and the fact i feel like noone has been this sweet to me but it doesnt feel real anymore because so many people have betrayed me lately ,im always there for people yes sometimes you cant be there for everyone and then you get so drained and when it comes to you having to be there for someone you just cant its not my fault im drained well maybe it is because its my choice to do so but i just care too much because im trying to make myself look better for myself but it only hurts more.
why i drink alcohol
drinking is such a dumb coping thing to do but yet you still do it sadly it makes you so brave and it makes you not care well at least tries when you drink you feel more free and maybe thats what im looking from alcohol it makes you feel loved in a sad way it makes you not think but also it makes you think so much and when you sometimes need to vent or cry alcohol is the comfort that is there yet its so unhealthy
i almost cry each time i drink but maybe thats why i drink i love red wine it stains when it gets on your clothes like the white shirt im wearing right now its bittersweet maybe thats why i like it so much its not good i sometimes dont like the taste but yet i still drink it because its wine and it makes me not care it makes me wanna run in the fields during summer nights and want lay on the wet grass and run in the rain and make out with someone you love.Its so sad that mostly alcohol makes me feel like this and thats why i love to drink but sadly if you depend on it it could become an addiction.
The way I love with bpd
The way i love with my bpd is difficult it makes me feel like i cant be loved and that i cant love yes i do love and care and sometimes obsess over people who i have feelings for its not easy nor pretty its hell because when you care so much about that person you dont wanna hurt them but you really cant help you have so many feelings and emotions inside of you and trying to explain them could make everything worse and when you show them or try showing them the person either leaves or tries and then leaves because for me everyone has left its such a hard thing to love with bpd because even the smallest things can make you so emotional,so when you get attached to someone its hell on earth because they mean the whole world to you and its not always pretty nor aesthetic its not fun because it feels like your'e dependant on them and it makes you wanna rip your heart out of your dumb body.
you love them so much every kiss and hug and even touch means so much to you and they make you so happy by just existing and people call you crazy for it and when you cant help it you just love them so much just being with them makes you feel okay and thats sad because i love them so much but they dont understand this dumb shit.
