after losing you person with bpd you feel like youre rotting your insides are not even there you feel like your an empty sack of flesh walking around or you are a ball of emotions about to explode,to you they were everything and now you feel so numb like your limbs are fake your insides are slowly rotting away the longer they are gone.
you know they wont come back but this time you wont beg them either because youve had too much your body feels so weak after doing any little thing like going out to the store,being at any place you used to be with them makes your insides feel like bening thrown around,like someones hitting you with a bat you feel sick to your stomach and just stand there picturing the moment you two once had laughing about moving in together for the first time and kissing.
you two literallly layed skin to skin and made promises to eachother while having sex and imagine them just telling you 'sorry i guess i broke them' just like that just like it never meant anything to them and you were just another body to them but to you they were everything you two watched movies together and layed naked on the couch had sex to horror movies you know the cliche but to them it was just another body it wasnt a connection between two people even though they promised to love you til they die.
how they told you that they loved you and that they forver belonged to you during sex made you belive it huh well it was all a lie no matter how true it seems itll never stay because now youre an empty shell and anything sexual feels like you wanna die because you feel like anyone touching you is them but its wrong .
all you want to do is drink and just forget but at the same time you still care so much about them because you know they are struggling too but that doesnt give them the right to treat someone who gave them everything like trash, like nothing.
your chest feels like someones stabbing it all the time like its being pushed down because of them but you cant do anything about it but just be and try to live somehow without someone who means the whole world to you but you mean absolutely nothing to after all you two had
youre trying so hard not to miss them but all the new things you experienced with them makes it so hard to let go they made you learn how to trust and feel all to just rip your soul out and leave you open and hurt.
writing this hurts my soul so badly
i wish i never had to write anything like this about him..
