Burnt to Ashes - Kenichi Todoroki

Broken Beyond Repair

Izora's POV:

When brought up in a household where you only knew pain, pain is all you'll ever know. That's what I thought for the longest time.

The people I love are the people I hate the most.

As contradicting as it sounds, that's how I feel. I love people who hurt me, how they hurt me, because that's the only love I know. I've come to terms with that after all the hours I spent in the school counselor room.

So Coda Yushiro.. her affection towards me...

It's something I've never felt before. Not even with Maxwell, who has hurt me many times, unintentionally. Especially not Zay, who has argued and hurt me so many times, it's impossible to count.

Zay and Coda are completely different.

I know this because I did date Zay.

We were eleven. I fell in love with him, or I guess thought I did, and I told him, and we dated. But the entire time I felt terrible.

He was distant. He was cold. He didn't communicate anything, or even try to have a deeper connection with me. He was always in another world.

He would snap and argue with me constantly. He would hit me and then apologize and get even more mad, not at me, but himself. He was so unpredictable, so enthralling, it made me attach to him.

At the time, I had a vague but developed idea of all the shit he went through. The pain and suffering he endured as been used as a lab rat. His parents neglecting him. Living in an environment that made him unstable, and shaping him into this rock.

The day I broke it off with him, he said, "I'm sorry that I'm unlovable."

That hurt me more than anything.

I came out as a lesbian after that, realizing that I had never loved him, or any man at all. He had thought he had single handedly made me a lesbian, and that I didn't love him because of how he was, which wasn't the case.

I love Zixin.

It's so complicated.

He didn't mean to hurt me. That's all he's ever known. That's all I ever knew. We kept tearing each other apart because we didn't know how to build each other up, so I don't blame him. I love him.

Or maybe I don't love anyone at all, and I just think I do. Maybe in this society where everyone is expected to fall in love, I just think I am, but I'm not actually. I just want to fit in with society, and to be fair, who doesn't?

I did tell Maxwell that I would never love again after that. So I was a little surprised when he confronted me about me being around Coda so much.

But maybe I was being a little obvious.

"You're in love with her, aren't you?" Maxwell accused.

"How'd you come to that conclusion?" I asked him. From all the observing I do, it's easy to convince someone otherwise of something without suspicion. Especially if you know how to ease their mind.

If I deny it, that will raise suspicion. If I agree, that will just confirm his suspicion. The way to handle things without suspicion is to agree to disagree.

"Zay simply said to keep an eye on her, only during the day where she could escape." Maxwell explained. "You've been spending every moment that you can with her, including sleeping in the same room, or at least not going to your own house or my room. She's definitely your type, after all the things you've said about Sasha. You must be in love with her."

The hard thing about using this trick against Maxwell is that Naga could easily tell him anything that I'm thinking. But Naga and I have a good relationship, so if I didn't want him knowing something, as long as it's under good reason and won't hurt him then she won't speak a single word.