That Wasn't Wine... - Sanders Sides Vampire Au

Chapter 32: Not Logan being a mood rn pfft

TW: Angst, Logan being depressed, trust issues, bad self care

Tuesday rolled along, which meant Logan had to get ready. Was a fight with a friend an excuse to skip work? No, it wasn't. It was just a stupid excuse, Logan had already skipped enough days when he first became a vampire, he couldn't allow himself to fail again.

As usual, Logan didn't talk to anyone unless it was necessary, but the silence presented itself much more tense. It was no longer something Logan could navigate in, but something that drowned him. More than once he had to catch himself before he made a mistake, before he pressed the wrong button, wrong leveler, anything really. His mind was lost, too drained to being able to concentrate on reality.

Roman seemed to be making a much better job at concealing whatever emotion ey was feeling at the moment. During shows, they still managed to act great as always. Alright, perhaps that was an exaggeration, there was something that seemed slightly off, but that was something one would expect, considering the situation. Outside of stage... Logan only saw crown once or twice, trying to keep his distance not to bother them, but prince hadn't chanced eir attitude too much. The only clear difference was that the gestures seemed more forced, something one could see from miles away. Another indicator that things weren't ok was the amount of time cloud seemed to spend in the changing rooms.

After a few days, the rest of the workers started to catch up on the fact that something had happened between the two. Everyone knew that Roman and Logan were close, so the fact that they hadn't directed a word to each other was a clear indication that they had argued. After the first two days, Logan heard a few people theorize on what had happened when they thought he wasn't listening. It was honestly very tiring to hear, considering that some of these ideas included the two having romantic feelings for each other. It was stupid, Roman would never feel like that for Logan, much less now.

Days started to blur together. Logan would go to work, not talk to anyone, go back home drained, attempt to read, self-hate for not being able to do so, some occasional tears, scroll through Instagram, Tumblr or twitter while theoretically watching tv, sleep, repeat

Fast enough, his phone became more of an annoyance than a tool. At first, he tried putting it on silent, but soon it became clear that the best option was to directly turn it off. He couldn't stand the notifications from lost calls and texts that kept coming and coming, all from Virgil and Janus. At some point, even Emile started to try and reach him. Logan ignored them all.

Wasn't it ironic? His biggest fear since that 3rd of November had been to be alone again. And now, he couldn't dare to look at his phone because all that attention only overwhelmed him and drained him even more.

In his defense, this didn't count. This didn't count. His fear had mainly been directed to loosing Roman and that had just happened. True, Roman had said that prince didn't hate him, but he doubted it. What was the point anymore?

Also, the other vampire barely counted as friends, did they? He had only known them for two months. The only one who had been a constant in Logan's life for a while now was Janus, knowing him for almost two years. He had known him for longer than he had known Roman.

Janus had slowly become his best friend, the only one who seemed to understand some things, the one who had tried to help him out. The one he needed to talk to right now, but Logan couldn't bring himself to do so.

Janus... Logan didn't know how to feel about him.

He hated him, hated him for making him a vampire without his consent.

Then, Logan hated himself for being able to sympathize with Janus. To understand the reasons why the older vampire had done that, knowing that his friend had acted without the intention of causing harm; the opposite actually, thinking this was an opportunity.

He also hated how much he needed to seek for his help and comfort when Janus was the reason he was hurt in the first place.

Alongside with the anger, logan felt guilt as well. Guilt over blaming Janus of everything that was going on at the moment. Because the current issues weren't Janus's fault. Not entirely.

It was Logan's fault. His fault for not telling Roman, for dwelling in the past, for lying. It was his fault that Roman didn't trust him anymore. Not Janus, but him. It was all him.

In his defense, Logan had his reasons for not telling Roman. It wasn't that he didn't trust prince, it was that- alright, ok, it was because of some lack of trust, but not in that way! It wasn't personal! You can never truly know someone. Even if you think you do, they can always betray you, abandon you, hurt you. Logan had learned that the hard way. First as a teenager, and further on in live, Janus being the perfect example.

Again, Logan found himself staring up at the ceiling at unholy hours of the morning, surrounded by pitch black darkness, only knowing the time thanks to his phone, who laid in the nightstand.

He couldn't help but spiral back to old memories he had hoped to forget, stopping him from falling asleep or trapping him in nightmares when he finally managed to do so.

So distant and lost he found himself that he forgot to eat more than once, almost attacking a random stranger on the street just for his blood. He was able to stop himself before his instincts took over, but it didn't help to ease his fear.

It was too much.

Logan simply couldn't deal with it. With his feelings which made no sense. With being alone. With being around people.

If he could only gather enough strength to go talk to Roman... but he couldn't. He couldn't get past his fear and embarrassment. He was pathetic.

Hopefully, as time went on, he would get used to feeling like this again. Hopefully, these emotions would face to numbness once more as they had before. That wouldn't help the pain, but perhaps it'll calm him out.

A/N

man. I worked from minute 1 to get ppl to like janus after the shit he did and now i'm ruining all my efforts

fuck me ig

peace, love and granola