Lost in the Pastel Hues (Sunset Avenues #3)

Lost in the Pastel Hues

For someone to ache for a home, that someone must have been so lost.

An endless ocean of criticism in the eyes of thousand spectators, she stood with a warrior's façade. Wiping the tears that are used to fill the wide canvas of speculations, she almost got drowned that she wasn't able to breathe. But she got the color of red that means bravery and power..something that she has gained and lost in pursuit of peace.

You put yourself in the position to be judged and why are you still hoping for kind and gentle words? The world is cruel out there. It is filled with eyes, mouths but less with ears.

Bumilis pa lalo ang aking paghinga at hindi ko namamalayan na nasa dulo na ako ng runway. Narinig ko ang isang malakas na 'boo' mula sa crowd. Nadapa ako. Napalunok ako nang napagtantong nadapa ako sa kalagitnaan ng catwalk.

Down on my knees, I saw my reflection on the pavement. Lumakas ang bulungan sa paligid. Nilapitan ako ng kasunod na model at tinulungan niya akong makatayo.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Ngumiti ako at binalewala ang tingin ng lahat. Ngumiti ako nang makatayo.

You have been a long way, long battle of death and survival. Breathing has become a battle. Existing has become a practiced routine and living just feels like a dream out of reach.

When you dream for something, something like happiness, peace and freedom, there comes a price to pay. And it is always that the journey in pursuing that dream feels like touching something that is out of reach. But even if it is already in our own hands, it slips and what once a dream turns into a living nightmare. Not because of how we perceived it to be but because of how people around us perceived us how to be.

The time. The sound of time is deafening. Is she running out of time? Or is it chasing after her?

Blinds. The shutters. She got so used to it that it surfaced to the mirror. Those things that wouldn't last but still held on to as she knew she couldn't..have a way out. The internal turmoil while I was standing there ate me. But my eyes, they don't have the time to cry.

"It would be of great pleasure to see you die!"

I blinked back everything that is not meant to fall down. I am stronger than this. I can be more than this. But the mere sight of this place. The memories that are trying to invade me now, this is indeed vast.

Natagpuan ko ang aking sarili, totally forgetting the name that I have left behind o ang pangalan na nakakabit pa rin sa akin hanggang sa ngayon. I went back to the place where I was supposed to stay but I didn't. A contrast of the city, a raw and fresh breath of air. But at a certain phase of my life, I chose to step foot into this place and still left at the end of the day.

Nagpakawala ako nang malalim na buntong-hininga. I didn't want to cause more worries on my sister as it was her special day. Kaya sinamantala ko na ang pagkakataong iyon para pumunta sa lugar na iyon.

I roamed my eyes to that familiar place. Windmills from out there and what seems as a sand sculpture shaped out of the waves crashing off the shores.

Wala akong ideya kung bakit dinala akong muli ng mga paa ko roon. Why in many places, I couldn't feel home? Even with the limelight, even with the carpeted pavement, I couldn't feel the peace, the contentment and everything that I hoped for before I aimed for freedom.

Binulong ko na lamang sa kawalan ang mga bagay na gusto kong mangyari. Sinubukan kong lumanghap ng sariwang hangin at pakawalan ang sarili sa isang bagay na humahabol sa akin mula sa kadilimang iyon.

Light peeped at the end of the forest and in my vivid memory, I have considered that light as someone who stood at the lighthouse. Bumalik sa aking isipan ang senaryo sa gabing iyon. When I thought that it was his silhouette that I kissed. Maaari kayang hindi na lamang iyon ilusyon o imahinasyon?

But when I turned as I felt someone's presence, my jaw immediately dropped.

He's here. He was standing meters away from me. Pero ang kan'yang mga mata'y nakatingin sa akin.

Everything has already changed. Sa mga taon na iyon na iyong painting lang na dala-dala ko ang nagpapaalala sa akin na minsan ay nakilala ko siya. Muntik ko na siyang hindi makilala. At tama ako, tama ang nakikita ko siguro, hindi na lamang siya isang imahinasyon o ang paksa sa painting na palagi kong napapaginipan.

Mas mahaba na ang buhok niya ngayon, sa tingin ko. Nakatali iyon sa likod. His eyes...cold and piercing. And the setting sun reflects the color of his eyes, hooded mysterious brown eyes. But it was emotionless. Nagbabaga ngunit walang emosyon. Pwede pa pala iyon.

I took a step. One more step. I was counting the steps as also trying to calm my heart so I wouldn't break down.

Pakiramdam ko rin na sa bawat paghakbang ko na iyon ay napupugto rin ang aking paghinga. Sa bawat paglapit ko, mas lalong bumibigat ang nararamdaman ko. Kung ano ba ang dapat kong maramdaman sa araw na makita ko ulit siya. I didn't have any preparation for this. Dahil akala ko hindi na mangyayari iyong araw na iyon.

Nang makalapit ako nang tuluyan, lumakas ang ihip ng hangin. Doon mas lalong pumasok sa akin na reyalidad nga iyon. Na naroon siya at kaharap ko siya.

"Jake.." I whispered his name. This is true, right?

I cupped his face and my jaw dropped dahil totoo ngang siya iyon. And before I could even know it, I swallowed the consciousness and the inhibitions I had at that moment. Binitiwan ko ang hawak kong sandals at tumingkayad upang maabot siya..ang labi niya.

I closed my eyes as I felt his lips. The warmth of his lips. The safety place on his arms. Ngunit natigilan lamang ako nang hindi siya tumugon. So I thought it was just a dream but it wasn't. Totoong naroon nga siya at nakatayo. Totoo ang nararamdaman ko pero hindi na kagaya ng dati.

A muscle in his jaw twitched. Hinawakan niya ako sa balikat at inilayo sa kan'ya. Bumitiw siya. At kita ko kung paano humalili at dumaan ang isang ekspresyon sa kan'yang mga mata. Galit. He was just staring at me and I was staring at him too.

"Bakit ka bumalik?" walang emosyon ang kan'yang boses.

I have probably numbed all the emotions that his voice somehow made me happy. Totally ignoring what he had uttered. O kung gaano man kasakit ang mga salitang binitiwan niya. Hindi pa iyon pumapasok sa utak ko dahil mas mahalaga pa pala sa akin na naroon siya at totoong kaharap ko na siya sa mga sandaling iyon.

"Ano ang karapatan mong bumalik, Paige?"