Irreplaceable (Nomin)

58

If Jeno is nervous, he isn't showing it now. He's sitting in the back seat with Jaemin holding his hand while Jaehyun and Taeyong drive. They are meeting in the middle at a cafe between towns but it's around an hour to get there. He lays his head on Jaemin's shoulder and closes his eyes. He's mentally preparing himself and going over the things he wants to ask.

When they get to the cafe Jaehyun shuts the car off and everyone stays still until he is ready to go. When he does get out Jaemin quickly goes up and hugs him.
"You've got this baby." He says in his ear. Jeno nods with a soft smile. He dressed nice today he wanted to look pretty for her in hopes that she will see him for his true self and not hold any judgement.
He plays with the hem on his skirt as he sits at the table surrounded by his family. Jaemin is on his left while Taeyong is on his right with Jaehyun next to him. Just before he starts to think she isn't going to show up, the bell rings on the door. He watches her walk in, a different person than he grew up with, a different person even from the woman in a hoody stalking him. She looks older than she should and rundown. Her clothes are nice enough but not as nice as she used to wear. She looks sad and lonely and for now only a small part of him feels bad for her. Everyone stands to greet her when she gets to the table and she bows to them which they return.
When they all sit down she looks nervous. She has to face both her sons and their boyfriends by herself so it's understandable but at this point no one feels too much pity for her.
"Th-thank you for seeing me." She says quietly. Almost too quiet. Jeno nods with a stiff smile.
"Jeno, my sweet baby boy. You look beautiful, happy and healthy and beautiful. I hope that no matter what you always feel those things in your life." No matter how much he wants to fight it he feels the tears start to fall. One of the things he's wanted most in his life was for his mother to tell him that but he still doesn't know if it's enough.
"Why did you abandon us in the middle of the night? I can't imagine you even thought of how scared I was? How scared we were. Our own parents just up and left. Taeyong had to set aside his youth to raise me." His bottom lip is starting to quiver, he can feel himself shaking and both Taeyong and Jaemin are holding on tightly.
"I've felt guilt all this time for taking that from him even though it was never my fault. He has sacrificed so m-much for me and Jaehyun too. Is there any possible explanation? Anything other than utter disgust because your only two children happen to love the same sex? I just can't see that as being a reason to leave the children you gave birth to." He's sobbing at this point and Taeyong who is also crying his heart out pulls him into his arms. Jaemin continues to rub his back and wipe his own eyes. He's always hated seeing him hurt at all and to know he's been holding all this inside on top of everything else makes his heart ache.

She has to try to collect herself to speak which is proving to be difficult. Hearing him speak the things she assumed he would feel makes the guilt even worse.
"When Taeyong told us he was gay your father started to get violent." Both Taeyong and Jeno frown not remembering that at all.
"The first night it happened he was drinking. He had come to bed late, you two were sleeping. I woke up to him ranting about his f-f, ah I hate this word but you know what he called you, you've heard it." They both nod and look at each other.
"I told him to stop, I said that Tae is my baby and I love him and won't listen to him say these things. He slapped me, hard across the face. I fell back onto the bed but I quickly stood because he had grabbed his leather belt and was heading to the door. I knew right away what was happening so I blocked him." She cries into her hands, still alone and shaking.
"He pushed me to the floor and I begged him not to do it. I told him to hit me instead. So he did. At first I kept a journal and even took some pictures so I c-could call the police but then he started to threaten me and you. He would kill us all if I told anyone, he said it's bad enough to live with a f, you know, son." Taeyong didn't realize ever that he could have possibly caused such horrible things to happen and is spiraling. Jaehyun quickly takes him out of the restaurant for air.

"By the time you came out and even before when he started to notice the feminine way you sometimes acted and dressed, he just got angrier and the threats got worse. That time that we went to see your aunt? When she had suddenly fallen ill and I had to leave a note in the morning where we were? I was in the hospital for a week because he broke a few ribs. He always did it where my clothes would cover so he could stay out of trouble. We told the doctors that I fell down the steps." She sighs and wipes her face with a napkin.
"I never wanted to leave you, ever. I never wanted to treat you badly but when he saw me be nice to you he would threaten you. I'm so sorry for making you feel the way you did. I'm so sorry for abandoning you but he was planning to kill you, he told me he was done and was just going to get it over with. He w-was going to set a fire in the middle of the night. I know this because I seen him preparing to do so. I told him, that me and him could start over, away from you. We can have more kids that would be normal". She says holding air quotes.
"He promised me that if I stayed out of your lives for good that he would leave you alone. And after a while the violence stopped, he completely started over. I was never fully in it. My heart was broken b-but I. He always tried to get me pregnant but I secretly used birth control, until he found it and beat me. He told me he was going back to take care of what he should have before so I stabbed him. I wanted to show you my journal but the police still have it. The investigation is still ongoing but my attorney is sure I'll be ok." She takes a few deep breaths as she watches Jeno soaking all of this in. Taeyong had come back for most of this too. Both in complete shock.
"Thank you for hearing me out, I don't expect forgiveness and at no time did I ever blame you for any of this. Your father turned into a monster and it was never your fault so please never feel that way. I love you both so much and I should have found a way to see you or at least explain but I didn't think I had a choice. I do love you, both of you so much and I miss you. I'm so glad that you have people in your lives to love and support you. I'm sorry too for stalking you that time but I just wanted to see your face. It had been so long and once I caught a glimpse of you I couldn't get enough." She stops talking and sobs lightly into her napkin again. She then stands.
"I really hope this answers all the questions you have, if not you have my number. I just can't do anymore today, I'm so sorry." She walks away and Jeno loses his self control and cries on Jaemin's chest while Taeyong is clinging tightly to Jaehyun. Jeno watches her slowly walk to her car and jumps up. He runs outside, surprising everyone and goes up to her.
"Mommy." He says softly making her stop in her tracks. She turns with a new river of tears falling down her face as he walks up and embraces her. He holds her tightly and rubs her back.
"All this time I felt sorry for myself, sorry for Taeyong, b-but at least we had each other. I'm so sorry you were alone, and thank you. Thank you for protecting us and for meeting us today." He kisses her cheek and steps away only for Taeyong to take his place.
Jaemin quickly holds him for support when they finally watch her drive away.

The ride home was silent and Jeno was really glad he has a therapist because he knows he will need her even more now. He walked away from this meeting with a new perspective and a lighter heart. It was so much more than what he thought he would get out of it. Just to know she never stopped loving them makes it all worth while.