Real Love

Talking

I wake up and Carina is already awake
"Do you have a shift today?"
"Nope I'm on leave for a week because my boss wants me to take a break because I've been working overtime non stop because I relapse when I'm on my own and I think they know that"
She hugs me before she goes to use the bathroom.
She comes back and sits on the bed and I stretch.
She sees my scars and doesn't say anything.
She smiles at me
"We should start the moving process since you have the week off?"
"Sure we could start now if you're up to it"
I nod as I start getting dressed.
I look at myself in the mirror as I brush my hair
"Maya needs to eat less."
He announces to my mom at the dinner table
"She's getting too fat"
"I mean look at her"
He grabs me as my brother Mason flinched.
He pulls up my top and he pulls down my shirt slightly.
He turn me to the side
"Look at that! People probably think you're pregnant! Look at the fucking side of her"
My mother nods her head agreeing with him.
I know she only nodded because she didn't want to suffer another beating since last nights one was severe.
He pokes at my stomach
"Dad that bump is my uterus"
He hits me in my stomach and I crouch down onto the floor
"Tell your uterus to get lost and it's making you fat."
He kicks me in the stomach and I cry.
"Maya baby you okay?"
Carina appears in the doorway as I have tears in my eyes
"Uh huh"
"What's wrong?"
"I had a flashback but I'm okay."
She hugs me and then we get into my car.
We drive to her house and then she packs some stuff with my help.
"I'll only bring the essentials today"
I nod and pack some of her stuff into the back of my car.
She locks up her house and we kiss outside.
I bring her back to my house and we continue to unpack some of the stuff she brought.
She makes the bed since we didn't make it when we left.
I put her feminine products in a box and I put in under the sink.
I make space for her to put her bras and panties in.
She does exactly that.
I look at her and she's so pretty.
She sits on the couch and gets comfortable.
I sit down beside her and turn on the tv.
I snuggle up to her and she lies with me.
She looks down at me in her arms and she kisses the top of my head.
"Baby is it okay if I make some dinner?"
I nod because I know I won't eat it and if I do I'll just purge.
She gets up and looks around
"Pots are under the sink, dishes are in the top left cupboard, mugs and cups are next to the dishes"
"Thanks baby"
She gets some pots and looks in the fridge.
"There's barely anything in here"
I nod.
She looks in and gets the pasta and she boils some water.
When it's done she calls me over.
I go over.
"Get yourself a plate baby"
"I'm not hungry"
She looks me into my eyes
"Baby I understand that you have an eating disorder but I need you to try and eat."
"I don't think I can-"
"That's okay I can help you"
I nod and sit down at the dinner table as she puts a little bit on my plates.
"You can do this baby"
I twirl a little on my spoon.
My mind convinces me that it has too many calories.
"I can't-"
I say as I cry.
"Sh sh it's okay. I'll feed you , how about that?"
"Um okay"
She twirls it and I open my mouth.
She giggles as she puts it into my mouth.
"See you did it baby good job!"
She hugs me when I finish the plate.
"Thanks"
I sit on the couch as she eats hers
My mind starts to go crazy.
"Make yourself sick maya!"
My dad shouts at me as i heave on the bathroom floor
"Sinners and Winners make themselves sick to win and in my books you're both of them!"
I leave Carina sitting in the kitchen alone and I make up an excuse that I'm going to do some exercise which I will later.
I go into the bathroom and tie up my hair
My cheek bones are getting more noticeable by the minute
I look like a Tim Burton character
I put on some music to disguise the sounds I'm about to make.
I sit on the floor and cross my legs
I stick my fingers down my throat and vomit.
I throw up all my food and then I see Carina who's lingering in the doorway.
I look up and wipe my mouth
She doesn't say anything.
She just sits on the floor, scoots behind me
and holds me as I cry
"I just can't seem to stop!"
I cry.
"That's okay. Do you have a therapist?"
"There's a woman called Diane who is everyone's therapist for the station."
"Mkay and have you told her?"
"I told her that my dad made me but I haven't told her that I still do it"
"She probably already knows baby, I- I can feel your ribs baby, you have to stop and tell Diane"
"I know... I know"
She helps me get up and we lie down on the sofa together.
Carina comes into my exercise room.
"Maya you're going to faint. It's 3 am and you've been on the treadmill since 2am!"
"Can't stop.... Gotta...burn... calories"
I say I'm between breaths
If she turns off the treadmill I'm just going to start doing sit ups or use a different machine
She stops the treadmill.
"Baby it's not good for you"
I look at her and get off and start rowing.
She sits in front of me.
I look at her as sweat drips down my face.
"Baby please-let me work out"
She takes my hand and stands me up.
"You can't do this to yourself and I won't let you"
"Fine"
I dry my forehead with a towel and change into my pyjamas.
I get into bed and she snuggles in beside me.
I fall asleep quickly.