Real Love

Spiralling

I wake up and the voices are so loud so I self harm.
My arms and thighs hurt so badly.
I can't go back to sleep so I decide to exercise.
I change into my gym clothes and put a sweatshirt over it and go into my exercise room.
Carina is there
"Holy fuck!"
I say as she looks at me disappointed.
"I can't let you work out baby. You literally ran non stop for half an hour yesterday so please don't do this to yourself"
I feel so dizzy but I move past her and grab the dumbbell.
"Baby give me it."
I shake my head and start lifting it over my head.
She takes it from me and puts it down.
She grabs my arm.
"Ouch stop let go."
She touched my hand instead and takes me into the bedroom.
"Get back into your pyjamas"
She orders me.
I frown and go to get changed in the bathroom
"No baby change here."
"I don't want to-"
"What have you done?"
"nothing"
I reply as I shrug.
I look down and I've bled through and now my thigh is wet from the crimson blood.
"Show me your body now"
I start crying and by the look on her face she knows.
She unzips my shirt as I try to get her to stop.
"No please stop it, no."
She takes the shirt off and she sees the fresh scars.
I fall to the floor as my knees buckle and Carina comes down with me.
She holds me as I cry.
I don't look at her , I look behind her.
"You did them somewhere else , didn't you?"
I nod and continue to cry.
She takes off my leggings and sees them.
"Baby these need to be bandaged and you might even need stitches."
"No no I'm fine baby"
"Baby you're still bleeding"
She pulls back up my leggings and she picks me up as I protest that I'm fine.
She sits me in the passenger seat and she drives to grey Sloan.
"I'd be waisting their time... I'm fine."
"Baby you're so pale, you look like you might faint and I'm not taking any chances"
She parks the car and lifts me into her arms.
I tell her that I can walk but she shakes her head
"Anyone would faint with a wound like that"
She carries me in and gets someone to page Mer.
Mer comes in and looks at me.
They bring me into a room
"What seems to be the problem?"
"Tell her baby"
I shake my head as tears fall.
"She's relapsed and it's pretty grim and bad"
"Okay I'm going to examine her."
"Can I stay baby?"
I shake my head.
"I'm sorry but I don't want you to see me like this"
"I understand"
She leaves to get a coffee.
Mer looks at me as she pulls down my leggings.
"Why would you do this sweetie?"
"I don't know"
I shrug as she looks at them.
"You've lost a lot of blood so we're going to give you a blood transfusion."
Carina comes back as she stitches my arms and thighs.
Mer gives me some pain meds.
I look away as I feel light headed.
She finishes stitching and then she gives me an IV for the blood transfusion and then she leaves.
Carina undress me and takes my bra and panties off.
She puts on the hospital gown for me and then she sits on the chair and stares at me.
"Please don't look at me like that baby"
"I'm sorry."
She smiles at me.
"Are you in pain?"
"A little."
"Do you want me to call your mom?"
"No please no-"
"Sh sh baby it was just a suggestion. You're spiralling"
She cuddles me and Mer comes in with some dressings.
She puts them on me and I thank her.
She smiles and leaves.
Now it's just Carina and I
"Can we leave?"
"You have to stay for today and you can leave tomorrow morning. I have to go and get some things for you I'll be back."
"Love you"
"I love you more"
I nod and she leaves

Carina's POV

I feel so bad for Maya.
I go home and go into our bedroom.
I go to make the bed and I see the blood on it
It's a lot so I put it in the laundry.
I put some clothes into a bag for her and I get her comfort bear called blue, she talks about him in her sleep while she cries so I always put him in her arms.
I go back to the hospital.

Maya's POV

I look through the stuff she brought.
"Blue"
I smile as I hug him.
"Diane still wants to see you because you have a session with her, I've told her what happened and she's not very happy so if she says anything tell me about it."
"I can't keep putting it off."
"Exactly baby. I'm going to head out for a bit. Text me when she leaves please baby"
"Of course"
I nod and we say I love you.
I sit on the bed and Carina leaves
A few minutes later, Diane comes in
I frown as she walks in and so does she.
She puts her bag on the floor and she sits down on my right side.
"You're self destructing Maya."
She sighs as she takes out her notebook.
I don't look at her , I just stare at the closed doors and wish that I could be at home and be happy.
"I know and I can't stop it."
"You just haven't tried hard enough"
"I've tried everything and nothing is working"
"Uh huh"
She says.
She seems annoyed at me
"I'm not happy with you , you did a stupid thing"
"I'm sorry okay"
"The doctors here have told me that you are still using diet pills and laxatives right?"
"Yeah"
"So you're a pill and laxative junkie, am I correct?"
"I'm not addicted- well I don't think I am"
"I would say you are maya. What would you do if Carina took them and put them in the garbage"
"I would cry and be mad."
I stop talking and realise
"No actually I am addicted. The addiction gene runs in my family"
"I'm glad you've came to your senses."
"You're still regressing and becoming more harsh on yourself and to be honest a problem for yourself. I mean come on maya - carina is very clearly scared to leave you alone because you might purge or worse, you might even kill yourself. I know that you think about dying almost every day-"
"No it is every day"
"Mkay that's worrying so I'm going to try and apply you for another therapist outside of work"
"Okay fine thank you"
She leaves and carina comes back.
"Do you need anything?"
"The bathroom"
I say as I squirm.
"Okay okay"
She helps me up and moves me
She watches me and she helps to get me back into bed.
I sigh and frown.
"I realised something"
"You did?"
"Uh huh, I'm addicted to the pills and laxatives"
"Oh sweetie."
She hugs me
"She made me think about what I would do if you took them away and then I thought about it that I'd probably self destruct even more"
She nods and hugs me.
"I'm going to save you from yourself and protect you"
"You mean so much to me"
I say as I kiss her.
I spend the next day in the hospital and then I get to go home.
" I'm officially discharged now"
I smile as she hands me a cup of tea.
"Come on then baby let's get you home"
She takes my hand and we walk out of the hospital.