Real Love

Therapy

Carina wakes me up at 10.
I brush my teeth and take a shower.
I dry my hair.
I put on a pair of leggings , crop top and a denim jacket to go over it when I'm leaving.
"I'm exhausted already."
I sigh as I pull on a shoe
"You're going to therapy baby. Would you like me to stay?"
"Yes please , my anxiety is already high enough without you leaving me alone with some random woman I've never met"
She eats breakfast and tries to make me eat some.
I push the fork away and stand up
"No okay I don't want it."
I pack my bag since it's nearly time to leave.
Carina goes through it and removes the diet pills and laxatives.
Carina grabs the keys.
We get in the car.
"Where do we go?"
I question since I'm not familiar.
"Top floor is the therapy ward."
I nod as Carina leads me into the lift
I kiss her when the door shuts
"I love you."
I say.
"I love you more"
I meet a woman with ginger hair who has a clipboard in her hand.
"You must be maya. I'm Katherine and it's nice to meet you."
"Hi"
I smile awkwardly since I'm uncomfortable.
We sit down on the couch.
I lie down and carina sits on the small armchair beside me.
She strokes my hair that makes me calm.
"I understand that you tried to kill yourself maya?"
"Yes I did"
"When was the last time you attempted or how many attempts have you had?"
"Carina you're going to think I'm a weirdo if I say that"
I say a I tear falls
"I would never think that baby"
"Anything you say in this room stays here"
Katharine says.
"I first tried when I was 15 , I had two attempts when I was 17 , four attempts when I was 24 , 3 when I was 30 and then this one when I'm 32"
"That's a lot of attempts baby"
She says as she holds my hand.
"I know and to be honest I wish they would've worked."
"Are you suicidal Maya?"
"I have suicidal thoughts if that's what you're getting at?"
"Okay"
She takes that down.
"You have bulimia because of your past trauma right?"
"Yes"
I nod
"Do you use any pills"
Carina looks at me and I look at her.
"I found diet pills and laxatives in her bag"
"Okay and when was that carina?"
"This morning before we left."
"How do you hurt yourself maya, enlighten me"
"I use blades, diet pills , laxatives , I pick at the skin on my lip and sometimes alcohol"
I feel Carina's hands become clammy.
"You can talk to me about anything Maya you can steer the conversation anyway you want. What's been on your mind recently?"
"My dad"
I shiver.
"Would you like to talk about it? I already know since Diane and I have talked"
"Um okay.. I can't stop thinking of all the pain he caused me."
"Could you give me an example?"
"I got uti's all the time and I kept having to use the bathroom in class and eventually the teachers stopped letting me go so I ended up... with um wet pants , I'd already get enough bullying without wetting myself at 13 years old in front of everyone and then my dad would spank and rape me as punishment"
I say as tears appear again.
"I'm so sorry that happened to you Maya"
Carina holds my hand and sits down since I'n not lying down next to me.
I hug her and then I retract to my position.
"I remember this one time... I um had an accident when I was in my science class and we were in groups. I was put into a group with my friend Jess and then my bully Sarah."
"Sarah noticed that there was something running down my leg and she said " did wittle baby maya wet her panties... does she need a changing"
"Everyone laughed and Jess just looked at me and told Sarah to shut up."
"I grabbed my jeskcet and wrapped it around my jeans and I ran out crying"
"Sarah followed me into the bathroom and knocked on the stall. I brought you a pair of shorts"
"She was my rock and always helped me when that happened.
"When was the last time you were raped by him Maya?"
"Last year at Christmas"
Carina's eyes droop
"Oh my god I'm so sorry baby"
I nod as I cry.
"Would you be able to tell me what happened to you Maya?"
"No I'm sorry but I'd rather leave it till the next session"
"That's completely fine with me"
She writes it down.
"Okay so I'll see you on Friday"
"Yep"
I check the date.
It's a Monday.
I hate Mondays.
We say goodbye
"So how do you think the session went?"
"It was okay"
I shrug.
"Is it okay if we stop at target?"
"Sure, I was thinking that I could get a journal to write in."
"That's a great idea baby"
I nod.
I put my coat on as we get out of the car.
I buy a journal and some pens
"Do you know something baby?"
I say when we get into the car
"What baby?"
"I really want a cat?"
"I love cats , we could adopt one of you'd like"
"Yay I've always wanted a cat but dad wouldn't let me"
"We'll he doesn't own you and he's not here so of course we can have one baby"
We spent the night looking at the cats
We found this beautiful black cat in a shelter
"She's perfect"
I smile
"Her name is Salem"
Carina smiles beaks at me
"Oh look Salem has a sister named Oreo"
I point at the fine print.
"Aw we have to get both."
"They say we can pick them up tomorrow baby"
"Oh okay do you wanna go get supplies?"
"Yep"
We go and get all the supplies and lay it out.
"I'm so happy"
I smile as I lay next to Carina.
"Me too, we're going to have our own little fur babies"
She grins.
We go to bed and set an alarm for seven so that we can pick them up straight away so that we can get them used to the house as quickly as possible.
I fall asleep last after turning off my light.