Real Love

11

My hands shake as I move myself further up the bed.
Carina is still sleeping so I don't wake her.
April checks on me and then she leaves.
Carina wakes up.
"Hey Baby."
I smile
"Hi honey"
She kisses me
"I have to go home so I'm going to take a shower and move some more of my stuff in"
"I'm going to get Jo to sit with you"
"Oh okay"
"I love you"
She says as she kisses me
"Love you more"
She grabs her bag and then she leaves.
Jo comes in
"Hi Maya, how are you doing?"
"Okay thanks how are you?"
"I'm good thanks, is there anything you need?"
"The bathroom"
I say ashamed.
"Okay I'll help you up"
She smiles at me and she helps me to walk in
"I'm sorry but I have to watch"
"Can you at least turn around please?"
"Of course!"
She turns around and we do the same thing that Carina and I did.
I dont look into her eyes after that humiliating experience.
I just stare at the wall.
April goes on her phone as I watch her
"This is the only break i get today since i have alot of consults"
She sighs as i make eye contact with her.
"Damn, you should get some breaks"
I reply.
She giggles and then we just talk about normal things until Carina comes back after two hours.
"Hey baby"
She smiles as she comes in and she kisses me.
"Hey honey"
"thanks for looking after her April"
"It's my pleasure"
She leaves as her pager goes off.
I try to pour myself a glass of water but I drop the jug and it breaks.
I immediately start crying.
"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! It was an accident! I'm sorry- I'm so sorry"
I start to panic as I remember what my dad would get like.
"Get down on your hands and knees and lick it up now you stupid bitch!"
"YOU'RE SO DUMB!"
"IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT... YOU WERE A FUCKING MISTAKE"
"I SHOULD'VE MADE YOUR MOM ABORT YOU BUT NO SHE WANTED TO KEEP YOU"
He would shout.
My whole body trembles.
"I'm so sorry- I didn't mean it. I couldn't get a proper grip and it fell."
"Bambina you're panicking. Follow my breathing"
She breathes and I copy her.
She holds my face as I cry and get my breath back
"Baby it was an accident... it's not your fault"
"But it is"
"Baby girl, it's not your fault. The jug is heavy I have to admit"
She hugs me and then she cleans up the glass.
"Why did you react like that baby? I understand if you don't want to tell me"
"My father yelled at me if I dropped something and he would make me lick it off the floor."
"That's terrible baby"
"Can I tell you some other stuff because then maybe you can understand a bit better"
"Of course you can baby"
"Okay"
I sigh and start telling her
"He would call me fat and then he got me into purging."
"He would kick me and beat me especially in the stomach."
"My mother got the worst of it and my brother got none of it except if he OD , my dad would yell at him instead of comfort him and when he found out about my self harm- he went crazy"
"What did he say or do? How did he find out?"
"I had fresh cuts from the night before since I thought the race had been cancelled. Dad woke me up at 4am and told me to get up and that the race was on after all and we need to go cross country. I got up and threw on a pair of shorts and a tank top and then I looked at my arms , realised I had relapsed so I threw on a black top over it."
I take a few breaths before continuing as Carina nods.
"Dad and I got in the car and we made the trip to California. We got there around 8:30 and checked into our hotel room. My dad made me get changed in front of him , it's like he already knew. I tried to persuade him to let me get dressed in the bathroom since I was 13 at the time and becoming a woman."
"He said no that I was still just a little girl and that all daddies-"
I tremble at the word daddy.
"Watch their daughters getting changed."
Carina shivers at that statement.
She nods indicating for me to continue
"I faced the bed and pulled off my shorts and he saw that I was wearing my black panties and he kicked his lips , "if you win I might just celebrate a different way" he grinned and I didn't know what that meant so I pulled on my track shorts and then I took off the black top"
"He stopped smiling and moved in closer to me. "What are these" he questioned as he grabbed my arm. What do you expect my to say I hurt myself daddy"
"You're just like your brother, you stupid little girl"
"He put me over his knee and spanked me bare bottom"
Carina looks unhinged at this point.
"Are you okay?"
I ask
"I just feel so bad for you"
"I don't know if I should tell you this next part because it's very and I mean very bad"
"No baby tell me please"
"Fine but can you please close the door."
"Of course"
She gets up and closes it.
I take a deep breath
"I won the race and I was overjoyed. All my hard work had payed off"
"After the race , Dad and I went back to the hotel. I smiled as he twirled me in his arms " my little girl is a winner" he kept chanting as he chugged some beer."
"He eventually stopped twirling me around. "Daddy since I did so well on my race, do you think I could get some chocolate?"
"He slapped me hard across the face and then he pounced on me , he tackled me into the bed and broke my rib in the process."
"Holy shit"
Carina says as her mouth opens wide.
"He yanked off my shorts and you can imagine what happened next."
"Did he rape you?"
"Yes and he did it a couple more times"
"I told my mommy and she hugged me as I cried because I knew that she had been raped by him in the past."
"Where is your dad now?"
"He's still with my mom but I can't convince her to leave because she's scared of him"
"Take her in maya. You and I both know that she's not safe. She can live in my old house."
"She'd never say yes"
"You haven't asked her."
"I moved the last of my stuff in today so she could literally move in tomorrow morning"
"Are you sure about this?"
"Very"
"Okay then"
"Good"
"Let's go to sleep so we can see your mother first thing in the morning"
"My dad will answer the door I just fucking know it and she's going to be trembling standing behind him"
"It's okay baby"
"She'll be safe"
I tell myself