Real Love

Trying to heal

Carina wakes me up
"Baby Diane has asked me to bring you in for a session."
"Can you stay with me? I don't want to be on my own"
"Of course baby"
I get dressed and then we head out.
I drive and pull up at the centre.
I lock the car and put my keys back in my bag.
"Baby you're shaking... are you cold?"
"No I shake when I'm nervous"
"It's okay baby"
She takes my shaking hands and puts them in hers.
I smile as she puts her phone on silent.
Diane appears.
"Hi Maya , Hey Carina."
"Hey Diane"
We both say in sync.
We walk into her office.
"I hope its okay if Carina stays..."
"Of course , she can get a better insight to where we are at the moment."
I nod.
"How have you been felling since I last spoke to you Maya?"
"Like a failure?"
"How is that , expand please maya?"
Carina looks into my eyes so i turn to her with tears appearing in my eyes.
"You're really dedicated to fixing me and I feel like I can't be fixed so I then feel like a failure"
She holds my hand.
She speaks
"That's understandable baby but I know that you're trying you're best to get better."
"With each relapse I feel sicker"
"That's because your body is getting weaker maya"
Diane comments.
I nod.
"With the recent changes in your life , I wouldn't be surprised that you relapsed"
"You got a new girlfriend-"
She glances at Carina
"None of your other girlfriends came to your sessions even if you asked them , they'd always say no"
"Can we not talk about that?"
"Okay if that's what you want- I understand  you got your mother safe from you father."
"Yes"
"How do you feel about that?"
"Like I saved her from a lifetime of abuse"
"That is true and you should feel happy about that, you also saved her for more rapes. I understand that he raped you constantly , am I right?"
"Morning and night yes?"
My palms become sweaty and Carina feels the wetness of it
"I'm going to throw up"
I run to the bathroom as Carina follows.
She holds up my hair as i heave into the toilet.
I wipe my mouth as my legs shake in front of me.
Carina wraps her coat around me
"I'm taking her home"
She whispers to Diane who has been lingering in the doorway.
She nods
"It's for the best"
Carin helps me to stand up
"Let's go home baby"
She holds me and supports me
I don't say goodbye to Diane , I just get into the car.
I give Carina back her coat and throw a blanket over me
"How are you feeling?"
"Broken and tired"
She puts a hand on my thigh.
"When we get home, I'll run you a bath and we can relax together"
"Oh okay"
She drives me home as I shiver from the coldness.
She takes my head as I get out of the car.
She removes my sweater and I smile at her.
She removes my bra as a tear falls down my face.
I remember the feeling of my dad ripping it off me when I was 13 on the when I was suspended
I shiver.
"Are you cold baby?"
"No"
"What's wrong?"
"I had a flashback-I'm okay"
"Would you like to tell me?"
She questions.
I hesitate as I get into the bath.
We get comfortable.
I tell her about how I got suspended.
"On the second day of my suspension, I wore a black bra and a black cardigan with blue jeans."
She nods and I sigh.
"He came into the room and smirked as he said that I'm grounded which means I can't leave the house at all."
I shiver at the thought of his voice.
Carina holds me.
"He looked at me with intent and I knew what was coming. He ripped my sweater off of my body which was bruised from the rape the night before."
I shiver again.
Carina adds more water to the bath.
I lie back onto her.
"He took off my bra too but I protested so I ended up being cut by the wire... he hit me a couple of times until I was unconscious and then he... he.. he raped.. me"
"It takes a lot of courage to talk about these things , I'm so proud of you baby"
She smiles as she pulls me out of the bath.
I get myself into some cozy pyjamas.
We bing watch some Netflix.
She makes dinner and tries to make me eat it
I start crying and I break down.
I fall to the floor and run my hands through my hair.
Carina approach's me on the floor.
"Baby Sh sh it's okay"
She sits down and puts her arms out.
I shimmy my way over and I throw myself onto her.
"I'm not eating it."
I say repeatedly as I shake my head and cry.
"At least eat this banana."
I eat the banana but I end up throwing it up in the kitchen sink..
"Your body is starting to reject food maya bath that's not good"
"Whatever"
I say as I take a drink of water with a paracetamol.
I get into bed and put a hot water bottle on my stomach as Carina snuggles into me
She's the big spoon and she loves it.
I'm the little spoon and I feel so vulnerable because of it.