Real Love

Hurting

I resort to the blades hidden in my denim jacket pocket and I slice my arm with the blade a couple of times as I cry.
I clean up and get back into bed.
A couple of hours later , I wake up to Carina picking at my top.
"Show me your arms baby?
"What why?!"
Panic arises and I can't hide it because my voice goes high pitched.
"I need to make sure that you aren't self harming but I already know you did so show me baby."
"How do you know?"
I question as I turn away from her.
She pulls me back into her and shows me my sleeve that's covered in blood.
I quickly get to and move away from her.
"Baby come back!"
She says as she chases after me.
I head into the living room and collapse on the floor.
Carina comes behind me and holds me to prevent me from doing any damage.
She pulls up my sleeves to reveal the fresh mountain of scars that litter my pale arms.
"Oh baby"
"Stop touching me, please get off."
I attempt to get up but I fail because she pulls me back down.
I wail as she cries and rocks me carefully.
"Come on let's get you cleaned up , I'll be texting Diane and Katharine!"
"No! No please don't!"
I say as she pulls me up.
"Baby they're your therapists i have to let them know"
"They're gonna hurt me...and think I'm weak"
"Did your dad do that?"
I nod hysterically as I cry.
"Baby they're not your dad."
She says as she takes me into the bathroom.
She puts some antiseptic on my wounds and puts some plaster on it.
Maeve wakes up and cries so she tends to her as I watch.
She rejoins me when she gets her to sleep.
We get back into bed and she takes me into her arms.
"I'm gonna text them now baby"
I start crying again.
"Sh sh it's okay... baby your dad can't hurt you anymore"
"I know it's just the flashbacks and memories"
She nods and pulls out her phone.
I see that she has a group chat with them titled Maya's therapists.
She texts them that I relapsed and they reply immediately.
Diane : is she okay? Carina thanks for telling us.
Katharine : oh no , if she wants to talk about it , let her and more emotions might show since she has been diagnosed with PTSD."
Diane : Defo , one of her triggers is people talking about fathers , self harm or sudden movement
She texts them back.
"My dad would hit me when he discovered that I'd relapsed."
I say suddenly like I can't hold on my thoughts.
"That wasn't right , he should've comforted you."
I nod.
"I would get jealous of the girls at school when they talked about their parents "my dad took me to the beach during the weekend and i would think " my dad raped me last night and I'm still bleeding from it."
She nods
"Would he rape you 24/7?"
"Day and night, on my period , at the hospital after attempts and any time he needed too"
I shake remembering how her felt inside me.
I instinctively put my hand over my shorts.
She kisses my neck and I push her off slightly
"I don't want to have sex. I'm sorry"
"I wasn't going to... I'm sorry"
"No no I am. I just thought because I'm not in the right state of mine right now"
She nods and holds me in her arm
I check the time.
It's 9am
"I want to go back to sleep"
I say as I turn away from her.
"Okay I love you baby"
"I love you more"
I say before closing my eyes.