Real Love

Expressing my thoughts and emotions

I take the lift to the top floor after placing Maeve in the hospital's daycare.
"She'll be okay bambina"
Carina tells me as I watch her cry as we leave.
We enter the therapy ward and I shake as I get nervous.
"Baby you're gonna be okay"
Carina tells me
I nod as my knee shakes
I take one look at Katharine and I start crying.
She hugs me and takes me and Carina into her office.
"I'm so sorry Maya"
She smiles after saying it.
"It's okay"
I say as tears fill up in my eyes.
"I understand that you have a sister"
"Yes but I think of her as a daughter."
"Oh okay what's her name?"
"Maeve"
She smiles
"Cute. So Maya I wanna ask you how you've been doing?"
"I don't really know , I was on auto pilot for a while like I was numb."
"Oh okay carina can you describe it?"
"She has been having nightmares and crying much more."
I put my hands to my head and Carina takes me into her arms
"Tell us what you're thinking baby?"
"The thoughts have came back again"
"What thoughts baby?"
"I think about dying every day and it soothes me but I know I can't leave because I love you so so much and Maeve needs a mom"
She has tears in her eyes and she holds me.
"I can't stop them! I wish I could but they- they won't go away. Please make them stop"
"Sh baby it's okay I'm here"
Katharine hands Carina the box of tissues and I pull some out of them.
I dry my eyes and place my head in Carinas lap feeling defeated.
"Maya , I want you to come to therapy two days a week"
"Okay?"
"I'm available on Tuesdays and Fridays"
"Yes that works for me."
I nod as we leave.
I'm still in tears getting into the car and thinking about self harming.
"Let's bathe Maeve and then we can go to bed baby. I can tell that you're tired"
I nod and smile.
We give Maeve a bath and I flinch as Carina goes to hug me.
"Baby it's me."
"I know I'm sorry"
"Don't be sorry"
She kisses me and we get into bed.
I try to sleep but my head is awake.