Real Love

Going Out

I wake up to Carina sneezing
"Are you okay?!"
"Yes baby don't panic, it was just a sneeze"
She holds my hand as I breathe.
I look in my drawer as Carina gets dressed.
My pills are low in stock so I'm going to have to find a way to buy them.
"Can we go out today?"
"Yes as long as you don't run or exercise"
"Okay fine"
I sigh.
I grab my bag and keys.
I drive to a shopping centre and Carina follows me everywhere.
"Can you it just give me some time to actually shop and not follow me?"
"Fine but call me when you need to be picked up"
I nod and walk in the opposite direction to her.
I buy something first and then head to the pharmacy.
I look around.
I pick up the laxatives, diet pills , bandages and blades
I put them on the counter
"Just theses please"
The pharmacist looks behind me and that's when I hear a familiar voice.
"She's not taking that, sorry"
She puts the packets back to where I got them and I take them into my hand
"Yes I am!"
"Baby stop it let's go!"
"NO NO!"
"Sh baby you're screaming."
"I don't care! I need them and it's my money okay so I am buying them!"
I give them to the woman and she scans them not looking at me
I give her the money and they're cheap enough.
"Thank you."
I put them in my tote bag.
"I'm taking you to the doctors tomorrow morning!"
Carina cries as she grabs my hand and walks me out to the car.
" No you're not! Stop ordering me around baby"
"You're not well!"
"I know that but I'm not going to the doctors!"
She sighs as she dries her tears
By now , I'm crying too.
"Fine okay.."
She sighs as she places her hand on the wheel.
"I need to apologise baby, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I'm saying or why I'm acting like this and I can't stop it. I'm so sorry. It's- it's not you , it's literally me! I'm the problem ! I am always the fucking problem!"
I say as I cry
"GOD MAYA WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID "
I say my dad's words as I hit myself in the head
Carina holds my wrists.
"Sh baby don't hurt yourself."
"Please just make it stop!"
I keep trying to hit myself.
"Baby stop Sh sh, you're okay I'm here."
I cry as she rocks me.
She drives me home
"There's a party on Friday night with all the doctors? Would you like to come? You don't have to?"
"No of course I'll come. I um I can't trust myself alone now anyways and it'll be good to see people"
She kisses me.
"Thank you baby, I'll text them to let them know."
"Who's them?"
"Oh it's the group chat."
"Who's house is it at?"
"Mer's!"
She smiles
"Okay um who's gonna be there."
"Mer , her boyfriend Nick and obviously her kids Jo and her daughter Luna , Amelia , Link and their son scout , Addie ,  Chief Bailey , Avery and Kepner , Pierce , Altman , Schmitt , Webber and Dr Hayes."
"Wow that's a lot of doctors"
"Are you sure you want to come?"
"Yep"
"Okay"
She smiles as I throw on a pair of my pyjamas.
I make out with her and we end up having sex
"That was the best!"
I smile as I come up from underneath the covers
"I love you baby"
She smiles before turning off the lamp as we both snuggle into each other.