Matt was about to put on his jacket and grab his keys when he spotted it the the closet by the door. In the back of a high shelf, he saw the ribbon tied around the box with a bow in the middle.
He regretted getting Christmas presents early this year. He spotted the gift in New York and couldn't not get it. It fit you too well not to buy it. Of course, now it was different.
Six months.
His stomach turned
His house still smelled like you. And not like the cookies you made a Christmas. It was more than that. Your perfume was stuck to every sheet he had, no matter how many times they were washed. Your shampoo was still in his shower. Just in case she needed to come shower, he convinced himself. He still had the coffee you liked and sometimes he drank it to remember how it was. But it wasn't the same.
He got a tree for himself this year and decorated it alone. No one there to laugh at the decorations he made with his brothers and somehow ended up with. To listen to him moan about the lights being tangled up. No one to fall asleep with or fall asleep on halfway during a Christmas movie. You just weren't there. He was going up to his parents house for Christmas earlier than normal, so he wasn't alone anymore. He wanted to sleep in his old room and eat a big dinner and not think anymore.
You hadn't spoken a word in six months since everything ended. It was better that way. You both have things to do and lives to deal with and there was no use in keeping wounds open. There were nights where he painfully missed you, that he had his finger hovering over the call button on your contact in his phone, but every time he pulled away.
He didn't expect now to be different. After a few beats of his heart beat, he pressed the green button and he found himself holding the phone to his ear.
It rang once, twice, three times and his lips were numb. When it went to your voicemail, he wanted to melt into the floor.
"Hey, I must have missed you" His voice was breaking. "You're probably out getting the last of your shopping. It's Matt..Listen I..I have something that I wanted to give you and I'm about to head to my Mom's, so I thought, if you're home, I could stop by and give it to you? Maybe you already went home to your parents, that's okay if you have, I can give it to you later" He couldn't stop rambling. "Anyway, I'll be out for a bit. Call me when you get this.." He locked his lips. "Bye"
You hadn't called back and he didn't know what to do. He spent more time looking around the cheese store. Looking at the collection of wine and cheeses, most of which he bought.
His head told him to go home. It didn't bother him being in the closet. It wouldn't bother him sitting there for a while longer. He had to pack, wrap his gifts and put them in the car.
But his heart led him to pull in front of your apartment. Your door was the first blue one on the right. Matt craned his neck, if your desk lamp was on the window, he knew you would be home. The curtains were closed and he couldn't see.
It took him five minutes before he knocked on the door. Clutching the gift tight in his hand. There had been so many memories here. They all came flooding back.
Then the door opened.
You straightened up, surprised at who you found at your front door.
"Matt?"
He couldn't help but smile. He wanted to throw his arms around you and apologise for everything that happened. Every time you needed him and he wasn't there. But he couldn't move.
"Hi"
"Hi" You hung back in the doorway.
Matt couldn't stop looking at you. He was soaking up what he missed, he knew time was ticking and he was starting to panic.
Matt scratched the back of his neck. "I..I called earlier and I was just.."
A pang went through your chest. "Yeah" You rubbed your upper arm. "My phone died I think. You know how bad I am at remembering to charge it" You both laughed but it faded quickly.
"Anyway, I was around and I had something I wanted to give you and I wanted to say 'Merry Christmas'" He held the gift out to you.
"Matt, you didn't.."
"I got it before.." He licked his lips. This was too much. "I wanted to give it to you. It's Christmas, right?" He urged it into your hand. "It's okay"
You smiled. Everything was telling you to pull him into your warm flat and demand he never leave again.
"Thank you"
"Yeah" Matt put his hand into his pocket. "I hope you like it"
"Hang on" you said quickly. There was something hiding in your desk drawer for weeks. "I have something for you. Stay there"
"Okay"
You disappeared and he heard you rummaging around in the small desk by your window, before you returned with a box of your own and handed it to him.
"I saw this and thought of you"
Matt smiled, taking the box from you and holding it close. "Thank you"
"Can I..give you a hug?" He asked, tucking the small box inside his coat.
"Of course you can" He cradled you against his chest, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and holding you tight. It was then you both felt everything fall apart.
Everything was familiar. His scent, how warm he was, his detergent. You resisted the urge to bury your face in his chest. You felt his chin resting on your hair.
Matt was busy taking breathes of you. Savouring everything he tried to remember. He rubbed his hand down your back.
"Merry Christmas, Matt" you whispered, pressing your lips to his earlobe. He didn't know, or maybe he did, that you kept one of his sweaters and slept in it on the nights you were missing him.
"Merry Christmas" He pressed his cheek to the top of your head. He couldn't let go. Because then it would be over.
Say something! Pull him inside, go for a drive, fix everything, forget everything, move on. But you couldn't.
So he did.
"Do you want to go get some food? Or we can go for proper dinner. I was going to drive home but I can wait till tomorrow"
And you wanted to say yes. You wanted to say yes the last six months, but instead. "I'm actually meeting someone for a date"
Matt's world crumbled some more. "Oh" He pulled away from you. "Yeah. Yeah. Maybe some other time"
"It was good to see you, Matt" You whispered broken. "Merry Christmas"
Christmas was not supposed to feel like this
