Was it Friday? Was it Sunday? What day was it? It had been so long since you checked the time or the date. Days were pretty much the same so what was the point?
You would lay in bed for hours and sometimes you would sit on the window seat instead. But this was how you were spending your morning, evening and nights.
The passing of time showed itself outside. It was never yeh same each time you looked. You thought that was beautiful, even when everything felt bleak.
It was like a game. You slept the day away and guess how long you slept based on the sky's shades. It was all you could focus on. Nothing else mattered for awhile.
This wasn't the girl you were familiar with. This wasn't the girl Matt was familiar with either. You didn't understand why he was so patient through it all. He didn't run when you stopped inviting him over or when you ignored his calls. He never held it against you.
He knew it wasn't personal. The idea of picking up a phone and talking to someone seemed impossible. Even considering it made you tired.
On cue, your phone buzzed. The half cups of water danced against the vibration as Matt's name lit up the screen. You moaned and picked up the phone.
It was a FaceTime call.
You reflection stared back at you and you nearly screamed in horror. You brushed your hair out of your face and rubbed the mascara from under your eyes, before answering the call.
Matt's face popped up. He was in his car, distracted by something to the side. He quickly shot his head back to his phone and smiled.
"Hey! You're awake"
You smiled, tucking the blanket under your chin. You felt disgusting and you hoped you could hide it well enough.
"Hey, Matt"
Matt closed the car door and started walking outside. He was talking about something, but you wouldn't know. You were amazed by him. It felt like you forgot his voice and his face until now.
"Baby" he laughed and waved at the camera, noticing you were in your head again.
You cleared your throat. "Sorry, what's up?"
Matt raised his eyebrow, but dismissed himself. He wanted to ask questions, but he knew that wasn't a good idea.
"It's okay" he paused, looking around. "Do me a favour?"
"Really?"
You hated how annoyed you sounded because you knew he didn't deserve it. He knew how much of a slump you'd been in, you couldn't do your own favours.
"Come to your window?"
"My window?"
"Please?" It was hard for you to say no to him.
You kicked your legs over the bed and walked through the mess in your room. You kicked some of the clothes on the floor as you walked. Everywhere you went reminded you of how bad it had gotten.
You leaned your body into the seat. You looked from side to side, confused.
"What? I don't see anything"
"Down"
A familiar figure stood below, waving up at you. You couldn't help but smile. No one checked up on you like he did, not like this. He was the only one who gave you hope in feeling better.
"Can I come in?" He asked from your phone.
You nodded, not breaking his gaze through the window. You couldn't remember the last time you smiled like this.
"Okay, I'm coming up. Do I have to break in or will you let me in?"
"I'm coming" you said, pretending to be nonchalant. Matt knew you were pretending.
You grabbed your phone and raced down the stairs. The excitement in your chest was a feeling you had forgotten.
You pulled the door open and revealed your boyfriend, Matt. He was wearing your favourite shirt, like he put it on, on purpose. It was one you bought him a few months ago.
"Hi"
"Hi sleepy head" he said, kissing your forehead. He knew it was beyond sleepiness, but he also knew that mentioning the true cause would upset you.
His steps faded out as he made his way through your apartment. You turned and followed him into the kitchen where he dropped his bag on the counter.
"What's that?" You asked, looking at the bag.
It smelled good. Like an actual meal too. Real food.
"Remember that restaurant we went to when we first started dating? You said they were the best noodles you'd ever eaten" he answered, opening the food.
Your stomach rumbled and your eyes widened. It had been so long you had food from that restaurant that it slipped your mind. You couldn't believe he drove an hour to the restaurant just for you.
He put the container in front of you and the aroma filled the air. All you wanted to do was cry. You didn't feel like you deserved this or him
"Hey" he whispered and stepped in front of you.
A tear fell down your cheek and he wiped it away. Your head sunk down and let out more tears.
"Do you not like it? We can get something else. It's not a big deal, I promise" he said softly. He lifted up your chin and met your eyes.
You flinched. You didn't want him to see you upset, it made the guilt worse.
"No" you shook your head. "It's not that. It's perfect. I.." your lip quivered and Matt rubbed your knee. "I wish I was enough for you. You deserve much better than me"
"What? Babe.." he tucked some hair behind your ear. "You are enough, not just for me but for yourself too. You deserve everything"
You could feel a wave of sobs wanting to break through and you ran past him towards the bathroom.
You felt so embarrassed.
Your body slammed through the bathroom door and you closed it behind you. Your back slid down the door as you held your knees to your chest. You cried. Really cried.
You couldn't understand how someone could make you feel so safe and loved. It wasn't even his fault. It was your own projections and you knew that.
"Baby?" His voice was muffled by the door between you. "Will you open the door?"
You lifted your head up, sniffling. You hadn't stopped crying, but his voice helped you calm down.
You slowly reached up and unlocked the door. Slowly Matt came in and knelt down beside you.
You were facing him but your head was down. Matt leaned against the counters, watching you.
You were beautiful. No matter what.
"Let me wash your hair, okay?"
You looked up at him through your puffy eyes and wiped your face with the back of your hand.
"I don't think I could stand a shower right now" you said honestly.
"We don't have to shower. Let me run the bath and you can sit in it. I'll take care of it. You'll feel better"
You smiled, looking at him. Another tear wanted to fall, but you stopped it.
"Okay"
"Okay" he smiled and leaned in to kiss your head
"I love you" he watched your lip quiver against your smile and he leaned in to kiss your lips.
"Thank you" you said, more serious.
"I'm always here, okay?"
"I know"
You did know. You never knew what you did to deserve someone like him, but you stopped questioning it. He made you feel loved in ways you didn't think was possible.
He loved you and that gave you motivation- motivation to love yourself back too.
