You lit up any room you walked into, always flashing a smile that everyone loved. The smile that made people wonder how your cheeks didn't hurt from smiling so widely. You spent your days dishing out compliments, hugs and jokes just to make people smile. That's why he fell in love with you. Finding it fascinating how you were the sweetest person he'd ever met.
Even in hard times, you always stayed positive, being the shoulder to cry on and everyone believed that's how you were all the time. How could they think you went home and cried yourself to sleep, or have panic attacks that you couldn't control? The bags under your eyes and the pout on your lips, stayed on your face for hours on end, but it had gotten harder to hide when you moved in with him.
Breakdowns were saved for showers, your mascara was wiped before he came home and your blotchy skin was covered by makeup.
You knew it was hypocritical. When you first started to grow close, Matt would tell you everything, always saying you were a great listener and your advice never failed him. He told you how important vulnerability was and you always agreed that it was important and took a mental note of how hurt he was by being closed off. You were happy to share stuff like past traumas, secrets and dirty confessions, but he never saw you really vulnerable.
Your face was damp and you couldn't even remember when you started crying. Tears streamed down your face. You leaned against the headboard, trying to ignore the ache in your heart and the pounding in your head. It had been a hard week and you could feel your mental health slipping.
Matt wasn't home and he wouldn't be home anytime soon, promising he'd be back for eight for dinner and it was only seven fifteen. You didn't have to worry about how loud your sniffles were.
Matt was halfway up the stairs when he heard it. One sound he never hoped to hear. One you'd never shown him. In the relationship, he always made sure that you could go to him about anything. He'd always comfort you, like when you failed an exam and when you acted like it wasn't a big deal. You knew you never had to deal with anything on your own, but you did.
He felt sick, as he ran the rest of the way up the stairs, towards your bedroom door and there you were, with your face in your hands, shaking as you let sobs out. He nearly cried from seeing you in so much pain and it made his chest ache.
"Babe?"
You looked up and saw his brows furrowed, your breathing stopping when your eyes met his.
He wasn't supposed to be home this early. Your face heated up from the embarrassment that settled in you. You'd been caught.
He already saw and heard you, but you wiped your face with the sleeve of your sweater.
He made his way over to the bed as you sat up and cleared your throat, ready to make excuses before he could ask the question you hated more than anything in the world.
"I'm fine, I'm-" You moved away from him, holding your hands up in defence. Your words said one thing but the croak in your voice said another. He saw how miserable you looked not even five minutes ago. How could you sit there and act like everything was fine?
"You're not fine" He kneeled beside you but you avoided his gaze. "Stop lying to me"
"I'm okay now"
You stared at the wall beside you, but you could sense the disbelief on his face. The way his lips were parted and the sadness in his eyes.
"You've just been crying. You're not okay. Tell me so I can help" he moved closer as he begged you to look at him.
"I don't want your help. I don't need anyone's help, so just leave me alone!" It came out colder and angrier than you wanted it to. But you were angry, angry that you'd let him see you like this. "You weren't supposed to see this. I'm so stupid"
"See what? You crying?"
You stayed quiet, which fuelled the fire in his chest, tearing at his heart because he didn't recognise you. "Why are you hiding from me? Please don't do that"
You thought back to the nights spent on his couch where he'd lay himself before you, detailing his past heartbreaks and how they affected him. How he'd been pushed away, how excited he was to get closer and get to know you and how you became the person you were today.
You knew how much he valued the intimacy of two people opening up to each other, yet here you were, closing off. It was a punch to the stomach, knowing you were hurting him. All the secret breakdowns, the makeup wipes you threw away, the tears you hid, came back to you and you never hated yourself more.
"Please don't" His voice cracked before he could finish his sentence and your throat tightened at the sound but you couldn't look or do anything as tears streamed down his face.
Never in the four years you'd known him, had you ever seen him cry like this.
"Matt-" it was weak and pathetic because you were afraid to speak. He probably hated you and didn't want to hear a word since you'd been happy to stay silent before.
"I just want to help. Why are you afraid of me?" He looked at you with bloodshot eyes, begging for an answer. You knew you triggered him and brought him back to dark times and it made you feel sick.
"I'm not. I promise you I'm not" you shook you head, cupping his face in your hands, wiping tears away. "I'm not shutting you out. It's not you I'm afraid of"
"Then what? What is it?"
"No one sees me like this. It's embarrassing and it's easier to deal with things on my own. I'm the one everyone relies on for positivity and I can't have them knowing that I'm fucking miserable and can't do the same for myself" Matt took a second to take it all in before stroking your cheek
"Babe" he cooed, his voice weak from crying. "No one expects you to be happy all the time. Look at me. You're beautiful and I could never think otherwise. But I'm not worried about how you look, I'm worried about how you feel"
His words reminded you of why you were crying in the first place and your lips trembled again.
"I don't feel great" You croaked, crying like you had been before he arrived. He wrapped his arms around you, holding your head in his neck as you shook in his hold.
"You're okay, let it out"
When you stopped shaking, he lay you both down on to the pillows.
He stroked the back of your neck and you shivered at the feeling of his rings against your skin, calming down and laying still in his arms. Matt didn't want to be the one to break the silence, but he needed to know why this was happening.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?"
You sighed. "This week has been hard and I can feel myself slipping" He kissed the top of your head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shut you out" you cried into his neck.
"It's okay" it wasn't okay but Matt didn't want to talk about it or even think about it.
"No. You told me everything and I-"
"I know it's not easy to open up. Promise me it'll never happen again"
You looked up into his eyes and stroked his cheek. "I promise. I'm sorry, Matt"
"It's okay"
"I love you" You told him and from the way his heart melted at your confession that he'd heard so many times before, he knew you were going to be okay
