Say Yes

49

Inigo

I was expecting a different outcome today. I even readied myself to go home alone. I am not selfish enough to wish to bring back Chiara with me. Of course, I want her to reconcile with her family. But she requested to be adopted again for up until when, no one knows. Things did not go well. Hindi niya kailangang magsalita, I could see through to her how in deep pain she is.

I clearly told Ate Yejin to tell her everything she needs to know para isang sakitan na lang, but I am not expecting she would come running back to me for real.

"Why is it so hard Inigo? Why is making a step forward so damn hard that I am stuck again?"

Lampas kalahating oras na mula ng makabalik kami ng bahay. Sa kwarto na kami dumiretso ni Chi. We didn't even bother to change clothes. Nakahiga kaming dalawa sa magkabilang dulo ng kama, both our hands lying on our stomachs, our back lying flatly. Nakatitig lang kaming dalawa sa kisame.

"What happened earlier?" I asked. Tumagilid siya ng pwesto para humarap sa akin.

"Aren't you tired of listening to me?"

I scoop her on the shoulder, pressing her body against mine. "You seriously think I will get tired of you?"

"Minsan."

"No one gets tired of loving Chi."

"Maybe my dad did. That's why we are in this situation right now."

"Well I am not your dad." I tried to sound it lighter, but a sad groan already escaped from her throat.

I could feel the heavy rise and fall of her chest against mine. I let her feel my warmth by crushing her more against my own body.

And her trembling words occupied my entire sanity.

***

Three hours.

Three hours slipped from our watch. 

Pagkatapos niyang ikwento ang lahat ng nangyari kanina sa pagitan ng mabibigat niyang pag iyak, naubos na siguro lahat ng lakas at iyak ni Chiara. She ended up sleeping in my arms. Maybe after letting out all the emotions she had earlier, nakaramdam siya ng gaan ng loob, or maybe she's really tired. She slept almost instantly.

Kumpara sa mga pinagdaanan naming dalawa, her cross was surely a lot heavier.

A lot of realizations hit me today.

Betrayal and death are like twins, but not identical. They both come in a form of loss, but hit differently.  

When my parents died, it was completely devastating. Sobrang mahirap ang pakiramdaman na nawalan ng magulang lalo kung sabay pa. The shock, the grief, the denial. But at the end of it, they all gradually slowed down to sadness, up to acceptance.

That they are really gone. And they re not coming back anymore.

But Chiara's loss is totally different. She lost them because of betrayal. Despite his father being alive, the feeling of loss was there. Of respect. Of trust. Of love.

And just like the old saying says, the thing that is worse than death is betrayal.

Because unlike death, betrayal is a choice.

Tahimik kong pinagmasdan si Chi na mahimbing paring natutulog. She's been crying her entire heart out earlier. She's been hurting for years. I don't want to see her crying anymore.

Sobrang mahal ko si Chi, at kung pwede ko pang doblehin o triplehin ang lahat ng pagmamahal na ibinibigay ko para sa kanya to pay off all the pain she's going through right now, I will do it.