Borrowed Time

Chapter Eight

Taking an 'Am I gay?' Quiz at 11:30 on a school night felt a bit too middle school-esque for Juliette, but she still felt the pathological and unexplainable need to do it. While the results might not be 100% accurate, it could help nudge her down her proper path, whatever that meant or could be... Well, she knew which one she was praying that it was, and that was the path of least resistance, the one that would make her into something that could be loved, could be fixed, not something cosmically broken that could never be reconciled.

As she sat on her bed, tapping on her computer anxiously, painfully awaiting her slow wi-fi to actually load. She worked her jaw, letting out a heavy sigh as she fought the urge to slam her head against the keyboard. This was what she couldn't stand: The waiting game.

Thankfully, as if God himself was listening to her woeful thoughts, her screen buffered and loaded. Juliette let out a sigh of relief, tapping into the test as she felt her heart making a steady, unenjoyable crawl up to her throat as she tried to swallow it back down, to be mature about this... But that wasn't something that was in her wheelhouse right now.

If she was being honest with herself and the rest of the world, she just wanted it to be over, to already have the knowledge in her mind's eye, but she'd only just started it, and the first question already made her want to crawl out of her skin.

She shook her head hard, feeling her neck twinge a bit as she squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to imagine the disappointed faces of her father and Samantha if this did pop a positive result. It'd ruin her life, it would ruin everything, part of her was sure that her mother would claw herself out of her grave just to tell her how disappointed she was in who her daughter had become... Samantha often told her that in hushed voices under false smiles that no one else could read – that she was a disappointment, that her mother never would've liked to see who her child had become, that-.

Jesus Christ she hadn't thought about that in months, not in a way that held any weight... This test was evil. Why was she taking it? Why did she even need to? God, why was she so fucking stupid, why wasn't the answer clear? If she was living in this sin... She'd know, right?

Maybe... But maybe this was the way to confirm it, she had to be honest about everything she pushed down or there was no point, even if it made her want to throw up the little that she'd actually been able to stomach that day. But despite the knowledge that only the truth would hold her or set her free, she still found her finger hovered almost of it's own volition over the answer that would give her what she wanted... but she clicked the one that made the most sense with her situation... Having fantasies about the same sex... it was the same from there, almost picking the answer that would make her life easier, and then picking the one that actually felt like it fit her even though she could feel her throat closing with each passing second, like God was choking her out right there, smiting her before she could finish... and the results?

Her heart was through the ground and straight to hell as she stared down at the screen, unblinking, her breathing raggedy in her own ears as she felt her chest tingle and throat tighten, gripping frantically around for her inhaler that she knew she wouldn't find. She closed her eyes, swallowing heavily as she breathed deep, slow breaths, ignoring the hiss and wheeze as she urged her throat to open. Mind over matter, mind over matter, mind over fucking matter... The last thing she needed was a goddamn Am I Gay quiz from fucking Quotev to land her in Hollingsworth general.

Once she could breathe a bit again, not perfectly but enough that she knew it wouldn't manifest further, she opened one eye, praying to any God that would listen that the result would be different, that she read it wrong... But of course not.