Borrowed Time

Chapter 143

It'd been a very long time since the last time that Juliette had prayed to God the night before in general, let alone that she'd prayed to him to not wake up in the morning, but as she'd been drifting off in Esme's arms, she couldn't help but think about how much easier life would be if she were simply gone... Sure, some people would be devastated, but others would be free without her to live their lives as they pleased - she sure was sure that Esme would be a thousand times happier if she was not by their side at every moment, and she wished for them to be able to have that freedom, but her wish was not granted.

She grimaced as light filtered through the window, letting out a soft groan as she buried herself deeper into the sheets in Emma's guest room, still feeling Esme's arm around her waist... Part of her considered pushing it away, but she knew the damage was done... She couldn't hide the fact that she'd gained weight from Esme, Esme was the only person who consistently saw all of her... Do you actually like it or do you just feel bad?  She knew she couldn't ask them that, that it would come out of nowhere when they were holding her so tenderly... But it was still the question that her brain shouted at her as she laid there in a moment that should have been soft and serene... Why can't anything ever be easy?

Juliette sighed, placing a hand over Esme's... She figured she might as well cherish their touch until they realized that everything that Katherine had said was true - she was pathetic, she was plain, she was sexless, she wasn't worth it... Sure, Esme hadn't heard any of that, but there was no way in hell that they didn't think it too, right?  Everyone around them probably found it laughable that Juliette thought that she could hold onto someone as amazing and unique as Esme... No, she was bound to be lonely until the day that she died, and that was something that she was sure was going to come back into play any day now, no matter how much she didn't want it to.  She loved her life with Esme, she loved waking up by their side, she loved the soft way that they spoke to her in the morning - raspy and sweet and gentle, there was nothing like it.  She loved how their hands felt on her body - strong and supportive, gentle when they had to be... But she had to be realistic.  Esme was gorgeous... And she was just her.

Someday, a day all too soon, they would see that too and then she would find herself alone and cold again... Not fully alone, she knew there was no getting rid of Micheal or Shelby, but romantically alone - who would love her forever, right?  What had she ever done to earn something so unconditional?

Nothing.  She'd never done anything that would set her apart in that way, and that was fucking pathetic.

Beside her, Esme stirred and let out a sleepy sigh, pulling her closer as they tucked their face between her shoulder blades, pressing a sleepy kiss there.

"Mmm... I can practically feel that you're thinking too much this morning."  They mumbled, the gravel of their voice so gentle that it practically brought tears to her eyes as she let out a shaky sigh... They weren't wrong, she'd never thought this hard for this long this early in her life... Normally it was short and sweet, something like 'Damn it, still alive'... but not today.  Today her brain was treating her like she was a fucking monster and she was just having to deal with it.

"Yeah..."  She patted their hand lightly.  "I am."  She responded, and Esme let out a little noise of concern and sat up a bit, the sheets rustling slightly as they did.  She felt warm lips on her shoulder, feeling both better than anything else she'd ever felt in her life and like some sort of punishment because she knew that someday, that soft touch would leave her behind and pursue someone who deserved it.

"What's on your mind, princess?"  They asked, and Juliette grimaced, shaking her head... She didn't want to tell Esme what Katherine had said, mostly because she felt stupid for letting it affect her so deeply... But it cut right into the wound that she'd practically just covered with a small band aid - the gaping wound of Samantha's abuse.  Her brain had been cycling through all of it all night - the way that her pinches at her stomach would bruise, the way that she'd been banned from eating anything between meals, and then eventually banned from eating more than one solid meal a day for a while to 'incentivize her'... The forced runs to try to lose weight faster, the cleanses, the laxatives... The way that Samantha treated her like a failure when she wasn't basically dead...