Borrowed Time

Chapter Sixty Four

The bed beside her was cold when she woke up, which made Juliette panic as she opened her eyes and let them adjust to the surroundings of Emma's guest room before she sat up, looking around. Esme was in front of the mirror, examining her face in the mirror with a sullen expression, and it looked like she'd been there for a while... and if the coolness of where she'd been laying when Juliette fell asleep was anything to go off, she had.

She cleared her throat, squinting at Esme as she felt her heart sink... God, she looked so lost... She wanted nothing more than to get her out of her own head.

"Hey... What're you doing up already?" Juliette yawned, stretching as Esme turned away from the mirror and looked at her with a sad, tired sort of smile... The bags under her eyes were heavy, she looked like she'd hardly slept a wink during the night... Shit, how had she missed that? Honestly, once they'd gone in and gotten to bed, Juliette was so exhausted that she'd practically fallen asleep the second her head hit the pillow but Esme must've just been up.

"I couldn't sleep. Sorry if I woke you-." She shook her head. No. God, she wanted to be woken up if Esme's thoughts were keeping her awake, that was what she was here for. She wanted to provide emotional support to the person who supported her through everything, it was the least she could do for the woman who loved her so deeply.

"You didn't... I mean, you did, but I really don't mind." Juliette swung her legs off the bed and stood up, walking over to wrap her arms around Esme's waist as she drew her head down to rest on her shoulder, running her fingers through her hair. "What's on your mind, sweetheart." Esme groaned and relaxed into her, her arms wrapping up and around her shoulder blades... How long had she been up?

"I'm super embarrassed about last night... I thought I was over it, I thought I wasn't going to react like that anymore." Esme mumbled, her voice muffled by the shoulder of Juliette's shirt. What the hell did that mean? Why did she have to be over it? Being offered one of the substances that caused the whole problem sounded like it would be a reactive thing.

"Why would you think that?" She kept her tone soft as she continued to stroke through Esme's hair, walking them carefully back to the bed so that she could sit down on the edge of it and turn to hold Esme closer... But just as she went to do that, Esme pulled back, grimacing as she wiped at her eyes with a sigh before flipping her hands in the air and shrugging, defeated. Juliette frowned and took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, which Esme returned. She looked positively broken in that moment, like she'd never hated herself more than she did in that moment... The look alone was enough to make Juliette's heart break. Esme didn't deserve this, she didn't deserve to feel this bad, she deserved good things, she was such a good fucking person. She was the best person.

"Because I've been to rehab, I've done everything to get over it, so why is it still bothering me?" Juliette shook her head, bringing their linked hands to her lips so she could kiss softly against Esme's knuckles... She was being way too hard on herself, she'd only been out of rehab for a couple of months, she'd only been clean for a couple of months.

Why was she expecting herself to walk through life with no reaction towards the things that used to make her feel like she could do anything, the things that had made her life feel livable? Juliette couldn't imagine that that would be something that just happened, it'd take time. Esme needed to give herself more grace, more time.

"You have an addiction, babe. The addiction's always going to be there, but you've put in the work to refuse it most of the time... Temptation is a part of living." Saying that made her grimace, because the last part sounded like some old lady at church, but it was true. People got tempted by things all the time, they weren't addicted so it wasn't the same, but the temptation to do things that maybe weren't 'good' was human.