Borrowed Time

Chapter Fifty One

All things considered, Juliette felt that she was handling the news of her eventually having a little brother that she'd probably never get to see pretty well... Sure, she'd cried until four in the morning the night before and Shelby's shirt was ruined from her tears... But she hadn't jumped out a window or bashed her head through a wall, so she was still on top of everything.

Granted, she still couldn't get mind off of how she'd reacted, how she'd made it about her... She wasn't supposed to be this selfish. Her mother had been hardwired to be so kind and so generous... Maybe it skipped a generation. Maybe she was bound to be a bitter, selfish woman who made everything about herself. Maybe she was bound to become Samantha.

Jesus, the mere thought made her shudder... But that had to be how it started, right? Random selfish reactions eventually culminating into becoming a nightmare? To her, the math added up... She was no better than her... No better... Just as bad... God, maybe that kid was better off never knowing her, maybe-.

"Princess..." Juliette jumped, clearing her throat as she looked down at the table. How long had she been zoned out? It sort of bothered her that it'd been long enough for Esme to notice... Part of her missed being able to be stuck in her own head in a way that no one could pull her out, not fully.

Life was a lot easier before she'd started trying to get to know herself, if this had been told to her in August she would've compartmentalized it away immediately and never thought about it again, it wasn't part of her master plan, it didn't benefit her to think about... But now? God, all she could imagine was some poor kid crying in his room about how he feels unloved... It made her heart ache and her stomach hurt. She felt an aching loss for someone who wasn't even a full person yet and it was really affecting her work.

"What?" She watched as Esme slipped her hand over Juliette's, her face betraying her concern. But there was nothing to be concerned about, not really... She knew she was being dramatic; she was always so dramatic.

This wasn't even about her, she was being selfish... Her father was having a child, and she was acting like her life was going to change forever, how fucking self-centered could she get? She felt Esme's lips on the back of her hand and glanced back over to see that she'd linked their fingers together and brought them up to her mouth. She sighed and leaned closer, pressing the side of her leg against Juliette's as she spoke.

"You're a million miles away, what's going on with you right now? I'm worried." Esme said, rubbing her thumb across the side of Juliette's hand. She grimaced and pulled it away, shaking her head. She didn't need people to be worried about her, she was fine, and all things considered, she was handling the news great... Hell, she'd slept a full three hours the night before, that was practically a full night, therefore she was fine.

Plus... The last thing she wanted to do was worry Esme. Sure, the crinkle she got between her eyebrows was one of the cutest things in the world, but she hated seeing it because she knew it meant that Esme could see right through her attempts to be fine. It was... almost invasive. She didn't like letting people in to that level, it normally took years, and it was honestly a little scary that Esme had done it that quickly and without really working at it.

"Nothing, I'm fine." Juliette said, the lie tasting bitter in her mouth... Well, maybe lie was the wrong word... She was sort of just theorizing that she would be fine eventually, she didn't need to make Esme worried because she was sort of spiraling right now... She could just tell her therapist next week.

Esme chuckled at her, raising an eyebrow as she rested her chin on her free hand in a way that made Juliette's breath catch... She looked beautiful today, now that Juliette was really looking at her. She'd drawn little stars with her eyeliner near the corners of her eyes and she'd switched from her normal black lipstick to a sort of dark maroon, one that made her eyes seem even more golden. Her eyes were still striking, surrounded by the dark, downturned eyeliner, but there was just... Something about her. Maybe it was the shirt, it was a bit lower cut, a bit tighter, maybe it was the fact that despite it not going with anything she owned, Esme was wearing the light washed jean jacket she'd left at the trailer, the one that Shelby had made her for her sixteenth birthday. She'd painted the back with a sunflower and covered it in small paintings that she felt held significance. It was the nicest thing Juliette had ever received, and she wore it all the time... But somehow it looked better on Esme.