I won't wait for the time for me to forget who we were
I'd list down the things we said
The memories, the dialogues, the read scripts
Am I even capable of control?
I tried to delete, block and restrict
Only to restore, write, and compile photographs of you
And you were my blue heart, my first love
We happened, it's been seven months ago
And moving on was pretty hard, I can assure
I even wrote your name on the sand
just to be washed away by the salty shore
How could I forget when I still hold our memory?
I dearly grasp such parts of you wherever I went
I've been to numerous, different, and beautiful places
But our yesterday is holding me back from my solace
You said words that goes about 'car rides with no destinations'
I constantly daydream and seeing us having fun, the apple of my eye
And my love, I even found our memory-bearing old scripts
The cuddles, the kisses, the dreams--all burned
I even uttered words about 'Deja vu'
Kept on telling myself I should forget about you
But a big part of me deeply regrets
But in end I still hope these memories won't go, it mustn't fret
We happened on February, the day of the hearts
The most special day when I finally gave it a shot
I asked you out on a cold Friday night
I remember you even replied with 'sure y not?'
And the feelings felt...I knew it was love
A burning sensation, a big lump in the chest
So this is the butterflies in the stomach
I entered not knowing that love comes with pain
But I continuously wandered through the past
I see just the two of us on an unending road trips
Calling each other with silly names
I was your 11:11
And you're my first after three years
I hate car rides but I made plans for us
I got carsick but I dreamt about road trips until the sun's up
'A long ride with no destination', you said
Ha~ my apple, I like you so much but our time is up
We just can't be together
Fate burned all ends and whispered
Made all possible reasons
Why I can't have you
And sure I did, find you in every person I meet
Of course I did, see you in every person I see
Also, I tried to forget you--but how?
How could I ever forget the girl I promised to held their hand before the staircase so she won't fall again? How?
And damn you'd remember how I made you feel
I called you 'Dwarfie', I called you curses, I called you mine
And if you'd ask me if I still have feelings for you
Like the words you once uttered, I'd say 'secret, no clue'
Every breath I take is the same time my heart aches
I wish I was there, I wish I was still, I wish it never ended
But no, I'm not selfish enough to ruin you by being with me
You're willing to suffer but I'd rather set you free
And when I said 'I just can't hurt someone back the way I was hurt'
My hands trembled fearing I'd accidentally do that
Believe me I tried, look at the space between us
Maybe it's enough to prove that
I wish I could've said the reasons why I suddenly left
How I suddenly realized that I could destroy you if you'd stay with me
How I wish I could turn it all upside down and undo all the conflicts
But it's just me. Every destruction is part of me
I should've told you how I felt
Before leaving to tell you 'I never loved you'
And left you dumbfounded
You don't know that's not true
You could've known how I was willing to destroy my walls
Just so I could just have that one call
Deep oceans, eternal roads, never ending talks
Please tell me about your dog named before me again
I still yearn for your voice telling me about your day
I'm still curious about what happened to the progress of your crochet
I know I already said my goodbye and last wishes
Be happy, find someone better than me
Someone to hold your hand even when it's sweaty
To hug you close when you are lonely
This is a letter for the girl I once loved
I'm her past but she's still my present
I'm just that loud random moot she met
but to me she's that lil girl, Inaka, the only notif that's my favorite.
______________
1:43 am
08/23/22
Writer's Note:
Deep blue heart symbolizes my love for you
Unending as the waves
As deep as the oceans
