(Trigger warning: Abuse, traumatic experiences, and domestic violence)
Adulting is a chance to prove
Your capabilities to rule your life, they say
Your hands to freedom is there
But how can I when for the past, I'm still a prey?
I grew up not like how other kids did
Who were showered with love, attention and care
At first I thought it's something I'd also need
But what can I do when my mother wouldn't spare?
She abandoned a child that needs love
Was only present at least two times a week
Absent mentally, physically and emotionally
I was a child she can't see nor hear
I've been treated invisible
Not unless when I cause trouble
For her to nag and punish
To call a child selfish
Selfish enough not to consider
The adults that coexist around me
I spend the whole childhood adjusting
So I avoid being a burden in this family
Staying in that same place
Brought fear and stole my solace
I was once again reminded
Of the place I almost choked to be forgotten
Every hit that landed
Brought loud thuds, and excruciating pain
There were marks that healed
But the pain was still laying there, hidden
I still hear the roars when she yelled
The terrorizing sound of her footsteps
The smell of her expensive perfume
A sign I saw as a child that it might be my end soon
There were crashed vases
Cracked briefcase you used to smash my head with
Wooden broom on the floor, they hurt so much
And this part of my hair you used to clutch
As you forcibly pull me outside the house
The rain was pouring so much
Thunders roaring, and my feet was full of mud
It was cold, but I feel my warm tears
Alone and abandoned, that's what I was
I used to ask the lord why
Why of all children I knew
Why was I blessed with a mother like you?
At age 9 I asked myself, grieving true
Why was I passed between other families
Because my mom can't take care of me?
Why was I unheard, unseen, and not loved?
Why're my cousin's mothers never left them behind?
Ain't it funny?
How I smiled when I see mothers
who takes care of their daughters
How I wondered a lot
Like it's something unusual and not possible?
My classmates' mom made her breakfast
When's my turn?
My playmates and her mom can make interesting conversations
When will be our turn?
And each day, childhood was full of chances
I forgive you each passing day
For losing me, for leaving me to die
For trying to bring hell in my life
I still loved you
No matter how big these bruises gets
How tears flooded my blankets
No matter how much you made sure I felt
that you hate that I existed
The child died
hoping that one day you'll love her
Not until I finally grew up
Like other people do
I got tired
I saw the truth
And I no longer tried
If she can't love me like her own
I can stop, I can stop waiting, I can stop hoping
I can just thank her for making me so strong
That I can now raise myself even if her way was so wrong
And I appreciate the people I have, real enough
For trying to undo what I've been through
For trying to make up the things you shoudl do
For trying to make my life seem light and better
For people trying to persuade you, my mother to finally love me
To finally fill the part she left the most
To make time, to kiss me, and hug me
To finally hear, after years, that she loves me
But the love was no longer felt, just pain
I'm so sorry
Although the kid died
The hatred has long-lived
I felt so bad for myself because
Where was she when the child was crying?
Where was the mother when the child still hopes?
Where were the warm hugs, when I needed it the most?
Cause years passed
Time did not heal
but told of a tale
that it's all too late
I learned to tie my shoes on my own
To heal my own wound
To cry myself to sleep, unheard
To be there for myself, because she couldn't
I learned to be alone
And she would only get hurt
Because I will push her away
The hugs and kisses, things she's never done
Something unfamiliar
that drives fear in my spine
A foreign feeling,
that my guts whispered to push away
Those unempathetic stare
That unapologetic glare
I might've looked at her full of pain
Refkected and reminded solely of the hurt,
When I see her even to this day
It must be cruel
But she's got no one to blame
I got used to being alone
Taught me how to be a mother of my own
I can't offer an embrace
To someone who made my life like a tiring race
She will always be a nightmare
Who never stopped making me feel
that in this world, I have no place
And I was scared to get used to the love she gives
To get used to the kisses, and embrace
To finally believe she will be there
But I grew up to know that tomorrow,
it will all be the same again
That one day, i might wake up
Finding her, expecting her,
But I'm afraid to know
That if today i was loved,
the next day I'm longer important
Even when the day she died
Can't put myself to throw a flower
I cried but wondered whether the reason is the loss?
Or mourned for a mother I never had?
She was long gone
but the fear and hurt
The only thing she left in this world
She was long gone
But i can still feel
Everything that terrifies me
Tortured as if she was still here
Every time I hear loud creaks from the door
The familiar scent I despise
Even the loud ticks of the clock
The instilled fear that brings me chills
I may try to avoid, but I still flinch
Writer's Note:
To all the who experienced abuse as a child, we can heal.
And you are loved.
