Falling || Jack Champion

fourty four

november 7th

mid day

A knock comes to my door, but I barely even notice it, going back to the drawing that I have been working on as of recently. This one is huge. A five foot tall canvas. 

For the past three days all Ive been able to bring myself to do is draw, paint, and make pasta. But none of those things are things that I could even complain about. I love them all. The pasta could be something good that came out of everything that has recently blown up my life. 

My phone is dead somewhere. Somewhere I left it just to get away from it. I let the thing die while scrolling and scrolling upon an endless labyrinth of information about myself that even I forgot. Once it finally died, I decided to just let it die. 

It was just simply the right answer. 

Now I dont feel tempted to look at it, and I dont feel guilty for not answering my friends. 

But what does come to my mind when I am not distracted is just endless terrible thoughts about the bad things. How will my friends react? 

Im just a big phony to them and now they know. 

The bad thoughts, the reactions to things like this all stem from my childhood, which is another thing I hate. 

I hate thinking like this. It is like I am as manipulated now as I was then. 

Like it is all my fault. Running is the only option. I can convince myself so easily that no one likes me and that I am just being a terrible person to the rest of the world. 

But when I think about the fact that I am just putting those into my head, nothing changes because it gets to implanted to the point where my head space is full with raging thoughts and waves of anxiety and anger. 

A second knock comes to the door. And then a third. The last is the loudest. 

The pounding continues and I finally get annoyed enough to head towards my foyer. The door has been going pretty non-stop since the night of the fourth, but nothing like this. 

"Jesus shut the fuck up!" I scream loudly enough so they can hear me through my thick door. 

I love the exterior of my house with this door. I specifically chose a thick one because of the fear of someone getting in by breaking it. 

Looking through the small peep hole I immediately back up. What the fuck?

My vision has to be playing tricks on me. I look again and the same person is there. This is the last person I would expect to be here. 

I take a deep breath and open the door slowly. "Oh my fuck Charlie! I am so sorry! Can I come in?" I get bombarded with all kinds of emotions from Gigi.

Tears instantly fill my eyes to the point where I cant see anything. Chokes and sobs come from my quickly. She grabs me quickly, and just holds me as tight as she can. 

My limbs feel numb and I cant breath.

All of my emotions have been completely blocked off and Ive been on complete insane- autopilot. With her, I am just brought back to what is happening. The real world and my friends.

She is one of the only ones who knows. Ive bared my heart and soul to her. 

Slowly, we both sink down to the ground and she shuts the door. "Im sorry my love."

__

When I wake up, Gigi is still laying next to me, but propped up on the door. "Hi Charlie."

I give her a small smile and look at her confused. "What are you doing here?" She is supposed to be in New York or somewhere modeling and being amazing. 

"I came to make sure my best friend was okay." I close my eyes and look at the floor where we sit. "What is wrong?"

I look up at her and nod, obviously annoyed. "What is wrong? What is wrong Gigi? Hmm I dont know maybe everything." I stand up slowly. Damn my body is sore. I feel like absolute shit. "My fucking mother released everything because shes fucking pissed I got my dad in jail. She knew what she was doing. Because somehow she knows me. Somehow she knew it would hurt. She knew that her claws are still fucking in me. It feels like I have both my parents all around me, watching me."

I take a deep breath and head towards the kitchen. I already know she is going to follow, and in rage I dont even offer to help her off of the ground that we've been sitting on for who knows how long. "Everyone is eating it up. What a scandal. All my friends probably think I am a fucking liar. What if I deserve everything that happened? Personal things, that I made a boundary for, are all out. And I know, I know, that they are awful people or whatever, but I feel just as awful. I feel like I was finally getting somewhere with people and then they made everything crash. Just a stop."

I grab out orange juice, another thing Ive been fixated on, and take a drink before continuing, my voice just getting more raspy and hurt as I go on. "I wanted to tell everyone. I created a space where I could grow as time went on and as I got more ready. I dont want to be the fucking girl who was hurt and all this shit. I never needed help. I dont need help and I dont want to talk about it. And all of my friends are going to know. And they are going to be like, 'aw honey why didnt you tell me?' like fucking fuck!"

"And maybe I am fucking overreacting but I just dont want any of this. Ive ran from it for a reason. I fucking hate them. I hate them Gigi. This path," I gesture to my house. "Fame! Clearly wasnt the one for me!"

I finally take a breath and cross my arms together. I just want to go back into my cocoon, I dont want her here. 

"Charlie. First, your friends are not friends if they are going to say that. Two, clearly they have their claws in you because you never healed from it. We both know this. Like you said you ran from it. You obviously have the complete right to be scared, and I would be too. People suck, scandals and everyone will be protective of you too, but youre strong. We all know that as well. You just have to make it prominent. This takes time. And you did create boundaries. Thats good. If no one can respect them even now, then you dont need them."

I shake my head slowly and she grabs my arms with a smile on her head. "This all sounds like nonsense, but I just want what's best for you. I understand everything you are saying in all aspects, but then there are my point of views where I know that you are better than everything you are saying."

"Everyone is worried about you. Jack blew up my phone. And a couple others. Jenna and him want to come see you. I told them to wait. Jack told me he couldnt, and he came and sat in his car because you didnt answer the door." I smile, imagining him coming to my house. Hes never been to this one. 

"I dont know how to talk to them." I whisper, looking at her necklaces. 

"You dont have to right now. You could text them, have me let them know youre good. You do need to take your time with everything. And if you told any of your friends that, especially Jack, Im sure they would understand even further."

"Everythings out now." My voice is annoyed. 

"That is true, but none of them try looking. They have an idea, but out of respect they have no clear story. Your word is what matters."

I look up at her through my eyelashes and shake my head. 

Damn her and her logic.