2 months later...
sunday, january 14th 🌨️
san diego, california 🏞️
📍mom's house
10:25 am
~ jules pov
i bet it'd come to you as a surprise that i'm still alive after the last time i attempted. i genuinely haven't been attempting after that night because i saw how it affected everyone around me. especially jayden. since that night i've been going to therapy, journaling, meditating, working out more, eating healthier, and doing bonding things with my mom since i was forced to move back to san diego until im good. the last two months my mom has been watching my ass. like a hawk. she's been checking my room for drugs i could've possibly snuck in. not gonna lie i did relapse one time earlier in the two months and my mom nearly choked me to death. she threatened me. she made me throw it out and write a 5 page essay on why i shouldn't relapse and she wouldn't let me leave the table until i finished it. that was literally torture. cus i don't even write essays. and for the first month back to san diego she had me doing online school so that i can work around my career and rehab sessions. she sent me to rehab and i'm still in rehab.
i'm 1 month 4 weeks and 3 days clean. that's my longest i've been clean for. slowly day by day the drugs don't tempt me as much. when i see alcohol i think about having some but i don't feen for it like i used to when i was physically get itchy and twitch. i had a big problem but rehab helped me through it. when i see weed i've never been a big smoker but i would still smoke. but i'm not supposed to. i only have AA meetings i don't have rehab for smoking. but i decided to quit that too. and i do feel healthier and happier.. oddly. i've never felt happy. like by myself ever. my mom has been making me do workouts in the yard 4 days every week like i'm in boot camp and yes that shit hurts like a bitch. it really is teaching me discipline cus now i'm scared to talk back to her. she still will slap me or make me go run the whole block in short and a shirt in 30 degree weather. it's been cold in san diego now that it's winter. she's not joking.
hayley stays with our dad in la for school. me and her text all the time and she knows i'm doing better. i last seen her last weekend. and for my birthday. for my birthday my parents did something big for me. they threw me a party and a lot of my close friends came. including jayden. my heart dropped when i saw her that night i didn't know what to do. i was still really messed up in the head. jayden and i had a moment outside alone by the pool it felt like a movie. she was looking at me like she wanted to kiss me but we didn't kiss. i wanted to kiss her too. but i just couldn't. i didn't wanna fall back into that hole i put her in last time.
so i just got up and continued with my party but the whole time we were eyeing each other from a distance. i got a little jealous when i saw this girl flirt with her. i wanted to punch her. but i couldn't even though my mom was like i can fight if i have to. i didn't think it was necessary. my mom put me in boxing classes for my anger and it's helping me she sees my growth and she really is appreciative of me now. scares me a little. i'm not used to it.
whenever she would bring up jayden i'd be quiet. i told her to stop. jayden and i are on good terms but we're not on speaking terms. it's because of me. i ghosted her. i couldn't bare talking to her knowing how i feel for her. she's even told me it's ok to talk to her but i just can't. i checkup on her but i can not text her everyday.
i'm in a good spot now. mentally. on my birthday i made a wish out loud before i blew out the candles and it was for my mental health to get better. but in my head was i wish i was dead.
i'm glad i didn't say that out loud everybody would've been concerned. i didn't need more pity. since that day i've just been healing myself. doing a lot of self care and i finally could see the beauty within me. and i started to love myself genuinely. and i'm happy to finally say like that i love myself and how i look. i used to be so insecure and i'd throw myself around to people for validation. but the me now is so levelheaded and i have boundaries and respect for myself now. i'm a whole new better version of myself now and i'm sooooo happy. my parents don't recognize me but in a good way. they always look at me shocked when i react differently to thing i would react crazy about. i've just matured and changed myself for the better. like i've been promising myself. and everyone. i could change i just wasn't ready to months ago.
