wednesday
📍jayden's apartment😌
8:00 am
~ jayden pov
i am not going to lie i feel shitty after yesterday. after dropping off jules i never realized how badly us not being together affects her. just because i'm not with her doesn't mean that i don't want to be. she just deserves better and no matter how hard i tried to be better for her i'm terrified i'll only mess it up again and break her heart.
jules is genuinely a golden ticket. she's so special. she's valuable. and i love her and care about her so deeply. it'll never go away. but i'll literally hate myself for the rest of my life if i ever hurt her again. i punish myself for hurting her. i almost killed myself purposefully after we broke up by oding. and i also was really reckless. i broke my arm and i got into a lot of fights. but i also cut myself. but once i decided i need to be a better version of myself i started to go to therapy.
and mainly distance myself from my family for a long time. it helped and i listen to a lot of music and meditated everyday. i workout and eat better take vitamins. but it never stopped me from bawling my eyes out every single night when i thought about jules. i still tear up at the thought of her and my heart aches. it feels physically painful and a weight in my chest when i think about what i did to her. and when i see her smile in my mind.
and hear her saying i love you and thinking of all our memories and how i fucked it up. i just wish i could've been what she needed. what she wanted. but my mom is right. i am a fuck up. i don't deserve real love. let alone someone like Jules.
and after today she's going to hate me, but i'd rather her hate me than keep chasing someone as shitty as me. she deserves the world and i can't even give her an ounce of it. one day she'll find someone better. someone will love her better.
i impulsively asked devenity out and i only did it because i wanna see where this can go since she's been begging for years. and i also want to stop thinking about jules and stop crying about her every single night. jules is going to hate me.
i'm downstairs with my brother darian. he came to drop off my textbooks i left in bio that kenzie gave to him to drop off to me. and he's here eating breakfast. if it's one thing i wanna do for jules it'll be to setup the babies room here. i don't know if i'll see him after she finds out i'm with devenity. she does not like her at all.
i'm sitting at my counter. dev is upstairs getting ready i'm already ready and d is standing in front of me eating a bowl of cereal and yapping, "so why did you leave your books in lecture?" d asks
"i was dropping jules off and i gave them to calvin to borrow he left them and kenz took them and gave them to you" i say
"ohhhh... why were you dropping jules off?" he asks
"she came to campus yesterday just to see me and i took her home in san diego because she didn't have her car so yeah" i say
he smirks, "she pulled a trick just to be around you that's cute" he says
i rub the back of my neck while raising my eyebrows, "she won't be doing that anymore" i say
"why?" he asks
i cross my arms and sigh, "d i have to stay away from her i'll only break her worse than i already have" i say
"are you really finna sit here and listen to mom? just cus she talks down on you?" d asks
