wednesday
bartels's household ♥️
8:25 am
~ jayden pov
after that huge fight with jules last night i sat in my car outside of her house and cried. i was hesitating to take my ass back inside and apologize to her and make up but i knew deep down she wasn't going to accept that. she keeps pushing me away. jules is genuinely on a different maturity level than me and i see it. it makes me feel small to her. and unseen by her. i used to be all she sees. it breaks my heart to hear what she says to me now. i'm crazy FOR HER but it doesn't mean i can't stop acting like that. i think part of me acts like that to keep her attention on me. i sometimes think that if i come to her normally she won't be interested. because i used to come to her normally and be super genuine to her and she'd cheat on me. but if i'm crazy she wouldn't cheat mainly because she couldn't because i always stopped her but ya know.
i just want jules to love me. i want us together. i want it all with her very badly. since day 1. but she's been on her player shit since day 1. i stuck by her side even when she was playing me. that's how much i love her. and she tried to say my love is obsession when it's not. i'm just crazy in love with her. and i feel boring to her when i'm not crazy. i drove home eventually that night and took a shower, droning myself in my thoughts under the water for about an hour until i decided to step out and get dressed for bed. all i could think about while i was getting ready for bed was her. she's all that's on my mind every fucking second of the days. when i got done i sat in my bed with my journal and wrote out my feelings. the thing is in this journal i have a whole year worth of pages on jules everytime i was upset with her or we were fighting or even when we were good and when she made me feel like the only girl in the world.
i wrote about how people keep saying that i don't deserve her. but lately everybody's been telling me i deserve better. especially my brothers they've seen it all with our relationship. they've seen and heard jules has put me through but yet on the media i'm looked at as the one who's fumbling and the bad guy?? sometimes i feel like jules and i aren't supposed to be together because of what we go through. and i would take steps back but we'd always end up back together somehow. my journal is nearly full but the page i wrote on her last night was my most emotional one.
i showed it to my dad last night because he was worried about me for being really quiet when i got home. he cried reading the page and gave me the biggest hug and i started crying again. he told me he wants me to be happy so i need to let her go. my heart broke hearing him say that but it feels like it's the only right choice at this point. i'm hurting myself trying to love someone who doesn't even want me. i took it and told him i'll listen to him. and i went to bed with the thought in my head.
so now that brings me to this morning. right now i'm at the counter eating breakfast with my mom cooking in front of me. my brothers are still getting ready and dad left earlier for work today.
my mom glances at me, "do you want more eggs?" mom asks
i shake my head. she sighs and puts the skillet down to give all her attention to me, "ok honey what's going on? you've been quiet ever since you got home and your father wouldn't tell me what you two talked about last night" mom says
i take another bite chew and swallow, "the same old thing i've been going through for over a year now" i mumble
she looks concerned, "is it jules again?" mom asks softly
i don't respond and instead lost eye contact. i heard her sigh deeply, "god i wish this girl didn't have such a huge weight on your heart. i should've never let you date her in the first place." mom says
