VILLAINESS [TWD]

➴85

I toss my bag on the ground and sit down on the ground beside the makeshift mailbox.

I lean my head back against the pile of debris and look up at the sky.

This was where Georgie left her letters. Rather that be herself or the twins dropping them off differed. Maybe Josh or Anna would drop it off today and I'd see my girlfriend I shoved away for her safety.

Thoughts of Anna flood my mind and I find myself smiling to myself.

I think about the letter I wrote to Rick. I slide it in the makeshift mailbox over my head. Maybe he'll find it after mom kills Negan.

A sense of unease creeps up my neck.

I was so happy to reunite with Anna.. all while plotting how to kill people.

Michonne and Rick were in love. They've been together about as long as Anna and I have been. They've known each other longer.

In the letter, I threatened Rick that when I come back.. I'll kill Michonne.

Did I deserve to be in the arms of my beloved knowing I had plans to kill someone else's?

I wouldn't want Negan to get a second chance at love. He took Glenn from my mom..  Abraham from Sasha. I would never want Negan to know what it's like to be in love for what he did.

Did I think I was any different?

Is this what mom and others meant when they talked about doing something that leads to another? Like a domino effect? Maybe a butterfly effect?

And Anna.. God, I love her. I really didn't understand how she still decided to stay with me even though I was.. me.

Anna deserved better. So much better.

I was plotting to kill the very people that shaped the person I was.

I would never be better.

I was stuck in a loop of consistently being a shitty person that only brought harm and shame onto the ones I love most.

Mom didn't deserve this. Anna didn't deserve this.

I told Rick in my letter that I would come back stronger. Better. Just so I could wipe him and his people out.

I stand up and throw my bag over my shoulder.

I needed the experience to be better. 

I needed the people I cared about to be safe and away from my tainted love.

I had to be alone. It was the only way.

On the road, by myself.. I could survive and learn. Like Beth learned with Daryl. I could do that.

I had to do that.

In the distance, I spot a cloud of smoke forming in the sky over the river a while out.

I turn on my heel and duck into the woods.

After an hour or so of walking, I spot footprints.

Rather it be a person or a walker.. I needed to let out this frustration. I needed to build my strength.

I tug the little pill bottle from my pocket and swallow two with a gulp of water. Then, I hold out the weapon that Earl made for me and begin using Daryl's lessons to track the prints as I await the medication to kick in.

When the night began to roll in, she figured she was lost.

At the thought, she shakes her head.

"She.." Ellie whispers. "Me.."

She runs a hand over her face.

Did I take two or three of those pills?

A little voice seeps into the back of my head.

You could take more. Find somewhere to stay and take more.

Ellie rubs her eyes.

"Ellie?" Matthew's voice distantly calls.

Ellie straightens her posture. "Dad.."

Matthew.. Dad..

The world spins a few times. Was Ellie walking on the grass or the clouds? When had it gotten dark? Where had dad gone?

"Matthew?"

Was that my voice? Did Ellie say that?

A brutal hit to my shoulder. Where the hell did that tree come from?

"Matthew?"

That wasn't Ellie.

"Hello?" I ask.

Ellie's body slumps against the tree, falling to the side. Then, she spots a woman standing a few feet away. She sways a little in Ellie's vision. Like an illusion.

The woman was blurry in the night. 

Her blonde hair was illuminated by the moon.

I fall to my knees with a cry of pain as a pierce goes through my stomach.

Ellie rolls on her back to look at the woman upside down. 

A tired, weak smile creeps over her mouth. 

The meds kicked in.

"Beth.." Ellie whispers to myself. "Bethy.."

𝒶𝓊𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓇 𝓇𝒶𝓂𝒷𝓁𝑒𝓈--

guess whos back bestiessss

so

I wanted to utilize ellie's pov shift a lot more than I already had before

when the book started, everything was in third person pov because she was still grieving matt and trying to come to terms with the woodbury stuff so it was like an out of body experience

then she shifts into first person pov because she's figuring herself out and gaining her sense of self so she was able to tell her own story

now the losses of glenn, sasha, and carl mainly have caught up and she doesn't know who or what to trust anymore

this chapter depicts a lot of strain and struggle with multiple personality disorder and borderline bipolar (most written from personal experience other written with HELLA research and talking to my therapist for clarity lol) and how the drug usage has made it worse for ellie

so basically when things are told in first person pov, ellie is in touch with herself and understands her surroundings

then when it is told in third person, ellie has lost that stability and is living outside her body and confused if that makes sense

also leaving after all the drama of the bridge and such its giving nanami if ou know you know