VILLAINESS [TWD]

➴87

Ellie wakes up in a cold sweat with trembling limbs. Leah wipes the snot from Ellie's nose and rubs her chest with a wet cloth.

Detox hurt like hell.

Ellie thought it might be like one of Maggie's hangovers from her mother's party days. Back then, Maggie would throw up a few times off the back porch and then move on like nothing happened.

This was worse.

It'd been less than 48 hours since Ellie took the final pills.

She longed for her stomach to stop churning. For her tongue to stop pressing to the roof of her mouth in nausea. Her limbs to stop twitching. Her head to stop swimming. Her tears to stop pouring.

Above all else, Ellie longed for the delusion of being in her father's arms.

She wasn't able to keep any solid food down. Leah tried making a meal, but Ellie hardly took a full bite before the food was on the ground and Ellie was retching.

Ellie felt like her body was on fire, though her bones were frozen in ice.

Her skin itched. Like a million mosquito bites covering every inch and crevice of her body. She picked at the skin until she bled or Leah slapped her- scolding the action.

She couldn't stay still even though it hurt to move. Her chest felt hollow, yet she couldn't get a deep breath.

"I need to go hunt," Leah expresses. "Will you be okay for a couple of hours?"

"I'm a grown-ass woman," Ellie reminds, rolling on the couch.

"You're a ten-year-old trapped in a woman's body and attitude."

Ellie scoffs gently. "I'm fine."

Leah leaves without another word.

Ellie was so.. something. She couldn't quite put her finger on how she was feeling. At least not one word, anyway.

She was sad. Really, really sad. She was lonely. She was tired. She was angry, even.

Ellie grew up writing words and melodies to her fullest extent.. but she was running out of metaphors.

Being alone was.. better. 

Sure, Ellie liked Leah's company. It was a new face and Leah wasn't down her throat or on her ass about doing the 'right thing'. It was just.. two people existing.

Ellie wishes that she could just exist. Her life had meaning. That sucked. She had a drive. A motive.

Her mind was full of how's and when's. 

How would she return? When would she go back to Alexandria?

How would she kill the very people she once loved?

Ellie sits up on the couch with a huff.

Being alone sucked. Ellie changed her mind.

She takes her knife out and fiddles with it.

Ellie still missed the farm.

Ellie missed her family.

Ellie missed Rick. The old him. The one that didn't betray her.

The Rick she loved was a different man. A better man. A stronger man.

She thinks about the conversation with Michonne about going to the places they called home. She stands from the couch and walks around Leah's cabin. Despite being here for a while, she still wasn't sure about the area.

It was a simple place. A single cabin in the middle of the woods. It kind of reminded her of Matt's parents. Her grandparents.

Ellie finds a tree and climbs it. She makes it about ten feet in the air and sits on a branch with her back against the tree- her legs dangling on either side of the branch.

She used to climb the trees at the farm. Beth would always scream at her from the ground- warning her that she was going to get hurt. She still had a scar under her chin from a time she'd slipped and hit herself on the bark. Beth cried harder than Ellie did and ran to get Hershel. Hershel patched her up at the kitchen table as Annette scolded her for doing such a thing.

Ellie finds herself smiling just the tiniest bit. She rests her head on the tree as another dizzy spell goes by. 

She wishes that Anna could have met Beth. Hershel. Matt. Everyone. That would be her happy ending. To be with the ones she loves the most.

She'll find her way back home one day.

For now.. she had business to take care of. She had wrongs to make right. She had justice to serve. Hell to raise. Blood to shed. Lives to take. 

She may go to hell after this. But, Ellie was beginning to think after the lights were out, it was just that.

If God loved her like she was told throughout her childhood, he wouldn't let her go through this. He wouldn't put this much on her. 

Hershel used to tell Ellie that God only puts on people what they can handle. He'd never push them past their limit.

That was back when Ellie's biggest stress was pop quizzes and guitar string scabs.

No one deserved the pain Ellie felt. Losing everyone the way she had. The ways that they died. 

It wasn't fair.

Ellie would make others feel her pain. She refused to be alone in this void.

Rick.. he betrayed her. He is to blame in Ellie's eyes. He would feel her pain. Ellie would make sure of that.